Archive | 10:22 PM

Why bother

18 Dec

I had a counseling appointment and my case manager was annoying me again talking about stupid choices and how I see the world.  It was pissing me off as well as I thought she was invalidating my feeling and experiences.  I couldn’t figure out while I was mad then but (of course) it came to me after the appointment.  I don’t go to her weekly so she can just tell me that my life isn’t good because I’m choosing to look at the bad or mundane.  Like if I just looked at the good, my life would be all magically good and the rest would just disappear.  Stupid!  And I’m just raising my blood pressure thinking about it, so lets digress to something else.

I didn’t have plans tonight and have been having trouble sleeping along with feeling life life is meaningless at night coupled with suicidality.  I keep crying myself to sleep.  Last night I was thinking about the logistics of suicide and that I didn’t want to go to the hospital because they would just stop me, and they can’t “cure” my negative outlook anyways.  Then I was thinking about what would happen if I wasn’t successful and wondering if I had the guts just to use a method that would be more successful.  I didn’t mention any of this at counseling, even though she mentioned something about the hospital.  Not sure where I stand on all this at the moment.

I thought about closing down this blog along with both Facebook pages, I feel like I get some likes here and there but don’t think anyone’s reading or if I am making a difference with my writing.  I went to group last night and it was so different.  I don’t like when things change because I have an issue with object constancy and see how things were as no longer or never existing.  An example, last night as I was thinking about my death I was thinking about how I’d be upset if any of my old friends from group came to my funeral because they are not my “real friends” and with that I doubt if we were ever “real friends.”   It makes life suck, but unfortunately I can’t just magically change the way I think.  I wonder if that’s what’s going to happen when 20 somethings friend leaves.

I bounce between thinking I’ll be okay and get involved at UC Davis and meet a girl and it will be all good or that I’ll just fall apart and not even make it to Davis.  Borderline black or white.

 

Since people seem to think I’m just wrecking my own life; I don’t know if it does any good to say that I’m using my skills and that I am trying, because people are just going to see what they want to see.  But if anyone does care to hear it from me.  I used the contribution skill from ACCEPTS which is under Distress Tolerance I also used cope ahead which is an emotional regulation skill.  I knew I’d most likely be alone tonight, both my sister and 20 somethings friend had plans so I had my dad arrange dinner and a game night with the neighbors.

Life is tolerable, I’ll wake up again tomorrow.