Some random rambling

10 Dec

What now?

I try not to get too down on myself for where I’m at in my life right now.  I know I’ve had different struggles and stuff that make sense why I’m not where I thought I’d be in life, or where I want to be in life.  Some days it bothers me more than others.  Today is one of those days.  Thinking I should be settled down by now with a family.  Thinking about all the people I went to school with and how they are married and some with kids.  My sisters both being in relationships.  Me still living at home.  Not having a special someone, especially on my bad days.

What I want you to know.

I’m not choosing to be like this.  When I get stressed out my symptoms return and get worse.  Sometimes they make sense, sometimes not.  I project that after finals are over the voices will subside.  It’s like my mind and body are attacking me and don’t want me to survive.  I have a cold in addition to my mental health stuff being there too.  Both the therapist and my case manage say all this stuff is Borderline.  While that is somewhat helpful hearing it’s not just as much.  When it’s the depression it’s more out of my control, the chemical are screwing around; voices are triggered by external events outside of my control as well.  When it’s ME REACTING to abandonment fears and fears of failing it makes it seem like it’s my fault and I’m choosing to sabotage my life.  Lets be clear I am not making conscious attempts to fuck up my life, I could have done a couple things in the last month that were more subconscious.  It’s impulsiveness and dissociation and it pisses me off that I not only have to deal with the ramifications of these reactions but also have to defend myself and prove it’s not deliberate.  I’m irritated right now.  Ok breathe, that’s it for now.

4 Responses to “Some random rambling”

  1. prideinmadness December 11, 2015 at 5:16 AM #

    I’m always reacting, always trying to regulate. I wish others could feel how physically involuntary it feels and how much effort it takes to not react.

    Thank you for writing this! Beathe 🙂

    • mm172001 December 14, 2015 at 12:49 AM #

      Thanks it’s hard to understand if you don’t live it.

  2. manyofus1980 December 11, 2015 at 9:42 PM #

    Your doing your best. Try not to worry about others. Everyone has their own struggles, some people just dont seem to be aware of their issues, at least you are. XX

    • mm172001 December 14, 2015 at 12:50 AM #

      Sometimes ignorance is bliss. lol

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