I hate being told I’m choosing this.

9 Dec

I got the brunt of this cold today and have been mostly eating and sleeping.  I was debating on what to bring up with my case manager as I saw her today.  She was trying to overgeneralize my problems (and it felt like minimizing them too).  I was pointing out that over the last month each problem and my perceived trigger or stress related to it.  It began the day I got my official conditional offer to UC Davis with me taking the rest of a bottle of Nyquil and not going on a pre-planned social trip.  There was a night in between when I took all the Benadryl I had which was only 6 tablets, I had got rid of most of them that same day to my sister because I know something’s not right with me.  There was thanksgiving when I got super suicidal (still unsure of trigger there).  The fight with 20 somethings friend a day later.  And the motivation to end the friendship before I was going to be the one to be abandoned.  There was another night that week, where I had dug the razor I’d taken apart on Thanksgiving out of the trash.  There’s the voices that have been back since Sun/Mon and then the kids trigger yesterday.  Really there is a lot of variety, and so many traumas in my life- which she agreed with.

I was incorrect about my assumption that she wouldn’t work with me, but if we do work on that she wants to keep it on that topic and not jump around to whatever is going on in my life.  She mentioned if I choose that route I should find someone else to meet with weekly to handle all this other stuff.  It gave me a lot to think about.  She says when I’m sensitive like today and we mix volatile things it just doesn’t work.  I feel like I’m always sensitive, there needs to be a better word but her other one’s are too harsh.   I think the transferring and 20 somethings friend leaving are real things and have an imminent date.  I gather it is more important to address these things.  (Also easier).  But I’m not sure how to describe it other than panic and how when I get like that I’d rather be dead.  I get impulsive and I can’t tolerate the distress very well.

We also talked about how I’m usually trying to get my self worth from other people, she used different words but it’s the same meaning.  I want people to make me feel better and tell me I’m a good person because I can’t seem to do it by myself.  I agree to some point, I have horrible self-esteem but sometimes I know I have at least some good qualities.  She also talked about how I choose to believe the truth of the voices or the thoughts in my head and all the negative.  Yet another thing that pissed me off.  I don’t consciously do this.  I’m not choosing to have a miserable life.  And I couldn’t explain it to her at the time (because I was so emotional and just not clear headed)  Like I said in a blog the other day about the voices and them being omni everything.  She’d probably just say that it’s my choice to believe that.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.

 

**In the end today was okay.  There are just 3 days left of school and the end is near.  I feel like if I can just focus on these 3 days I’ll be okay.  It’s a lot about the moments right now.  I’m going to stick to working on the transferring and 20 somethings friend stuff because it seems more relevant and forward.  I’m going to ask her to bring up the kid thing again at a later point and maybe I’ll be ready.  I got to stop looking for reassurance or care from other people.  I can kind of do this myself now and I need to put it into practice.  She says I care too much.  I think that can be a good thing I just have to learn to care too much about me too.**

2 Responses to “I hate being told I’m choosing this.”

  1. manyofus1980 December 10, 2015 at 3:47 AM #

    It sounds like a good apt. I am happy you got to meet with her it seems like you have a clear plan now. XX

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