A little of this, a little of that

6 Dec

Today has been a good day.  I woke up early and was productive in getting somethings done.  My day hasn’t gone according to my plan, but I’m learning to be okay with that.  So far I haven’t had any suicidal thinking, terror about transferring, or self harm urges.  Sometimes they visit during the day, but mostly at night.  Hope they don’t come tonight. *Crosses fingers* My pants that didn’t fit yesterday, turned out to be my dads.  This is good and bad, it means my pants still fit but I’m fatter than my dad and I am not okay with that.  So today, the body dysphoria wasn’t even bad enough to really be dysphoria and it was short lived to. Oh not so yesterday, though!

At counseling my case manager said that my reality hadn’t changed just my perception of it.   She also threw in it could change back.  I was annoyed when she makes statements like this and uses the word “choice.”  Because I often interpret it to mean it’s my fault and that it could be different.  I guess she is right, I’m afraid to trust people and reveal how much I’m suffering because of that argument with 20 somethings friend.  But really he’s just doing what he’s always done and so is my sister and my case manager.

I’m trying to work on being able to make myself feel better and part of that is not letting the bad feelings stay or feeding them.  The other night I was starting to crash, so I went and got in my covers and snuggled not with anyone but just with tight soft blankets, my pillow, and Tigger.  I ended up taking a 2 hour nap, when I woke up I didn’t feel as bad but I also didn’t have much to do.  So instead of being bored and possibly letting those feelings creep back in, I went to bed for the night.

One Response to “A little of this, a little of that”

  1. manyofus1980 December 11, 2015 at 10:17 PM #

    Good job on turning things around. That took strength. Self sootheing is hard but always good. XX

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