Archive | 10:05 PM

Update: 12/4/15 Contradictions and Different Parts of Me

4 Dec

Today I had my counseling session, it had been 2 weeks which is an anomaly, as we normally meet once a week.  I was hesitant about letting her know what had gone on in the last week and how unstable I felt.  I’d been pondering this morning whether to have her hospitalize me.  I have a lot of pressure coming up with school and finals.  There’s been a lot going on in my mind with regards to 20 somethings friend leaving and the transferring process.  Along with an argument that took place last weekend.

Part of me wanted to be taken care of and have an legitimate “excuse” do dodge out on my responsibilities with school.  Part wanted to self sabotage and just not take the tests and therefore violate the transfer agreement.  And I’m sorry to admit part of me just wanted to highlight how bad things really are.  But there honestly is a part of me that is scared I will actually do something serious.  Really only the last reason is a valid reason.

I made a commitment to stay safe, which included not self harming or self medicating.  I knew if I didn’t agree she would hospitalize me and she knew if I agreed- I’d keep up my end of the deal.  I’m appreciative that she made next weeks appointment a little earlier, so I only have 5 days to think about right now.  That was a little bit what the promises, promises post was about.

We talked about what had gone on and how I had reacted, I know my reactions were for the most part extremer than the situation called for, but I also showed some restraint and knew about logical consequences.  We talked about how the situations were stressful not only to me but would be to your average non-mentally ill person, and that made me feel a little better.

We also talked about how I go into that suicidal state and choose to stay there.  I don’t think I consciously choose to go there but I do let it stick around because it feels like a safe escape to me.  It comforts me.  We discussed how I need to make a choice to take that off the table.  I told her I wasn’t ready to, but I did say that I understood what she was trying to say.  I’m going to try and get there, but like on all things I kinda do it when I’m ready.  Like about 3 years and 1 month ago where I took self harm out of the equation.  I had to cope another way, I just decided.  I’ve only self harmed twice since.  I need to get there too with the suicidal thinking/planning.  I’m using my skills along side the thinking which is strange.  Maybe that’s how I neutralize it.

contradictions

Promises, Promises

4 Dec

I have a responsibility to my class member to do my part and be there the day of our presentation.  I have a responsibility to keep my word and integrity.  I have a responsibility to my friends and family members.  I have a responsibility to my mental health providers.  I won’t self harm.  I won’t take more medication then I’m suppose to.  I will try not to think about suicide.  If I’m too close to self harm or a suicide attempt, I will go to the hospital.  I will not die this week.