I’ve been forced to think about the future lately, especially in regards for transferring for school. I clicked all the proper buttons and have now applied to 6 schools, including UC Davis which I have a transfer agreement with. 20 somethings friend is looking into scholarships, I think that would be too stressful for me. This is a good opportunity to mention how thankful I am of my financial situation. Working very little creates less stress, and gives me time to go to school and work on my mental health. I’m pretty sure I will end up at UC Davis even if I get into one of my more preferred schools.
This last month or so has had some eye opening opportunities about how vulnerable I really am. If I hadn’t made amends with 20 somethings friend Saturday, I’d probably be in the hospital. Knowing how close I am to the ledge has me doubting my ability to move very far. My initial plan was to use campus housing at UC Davis and it would kind of force me to get out of the house and move out. I was hoping that after my time living there I would meet someone I could become roommates with or I could live on my own. Now I’m considering staying at home and commuting to UC Davis, but I worry I’ll take the easy way out and only be on campus when I’m in class. It’s hard with social anxiety, not to mention everything else.
I’m still worrying about 20 somethings friend leaving but after our argument last week I feel a little stronger in the relationships, though I have no idea what I will do next time I need support. I’m picturing my future alone and I don’t like that prospect. Once he moves away I probably wont have much if any contact with people from the 20 somethings group. I have one other friend that I do stuff with sometimes but usually her husband hangs out with my dad; so not sure how that’ll be if I move out. Other than that it’s family and mental health professionals. I’m only close with one or two bloggers from WordPress, one I use to killed herself earlier this year. It’s so hard making and sustaining relationships. I’m talking to someone from the online dating service but I never really know what to say or how to say things.