I’m still a bit of a mess

28 Nov

Sometimes with the combo of my life, personality, and disorders it’s hard to tell what influences what.  I was having a bad day on Thanksgiving, my stomach hurt very bad because of the choices I made on what I ate.  I can’t complain, I in essence did it to myself.  Also after people left, my mood dropped.  I’m not sure if it was because the people I cared about left or what not, but it dropped.  I went in my room, to hide away and began a series of blogs I barely remember writing.  I know I was fading in and out and dissociating, I could tell when I looked at the time and my perception of how much time passed was incorrect.  I reached out and unfortunately the person couldn’t help me.  Not only was that frustrating for me, but frustrating for them too- which I didn’t even think about in my self-absorbed crisis state.  I went to bed upset, but didn’t end up cutting or doing much self-destructive.  For some reason I missed that destructiveness and let it roll over to Friday.  I held on to the anger, hurt, and destructiveness and let it broil over, I lashed out at one of the few people I cared about and it still took me over 24 hours to really process what I had said.  Things are better, but I still felt emotional all day and had to put in my glasses because my crying and my contacts burning.  Then I go to take my evening meds and I forgot to take my morning meds- which probably contributed to my emotionalness today.  So my guesstimation is a combo of meds messed up, my fear of upcoming abandonment, normal holiday stress,  not seeing my case manager this week, fear and panic about transferring.  Who knows but hopefully it’s over.  I’m exhausted and can’t go to bet till 10pm so I don’t double dose from the mess of not taking my morning moods until this evening.

2 Responses to “I’m still a bit of a mess”

  1. manyofus1980 November 29, 2015 at 10:00 AM #

    sounds intense. very stressful. glad your ok now though. x

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