Not sure where I am. Was talking to blogger friend earlier today and both of us are feeling like we’re heading towards hospitalizations. We seem to be in sync with each others moods, often. I feel like I can’t afford to go to the hospital, the semester is near ending and I’m struggling in my classes. I’m taking 4 classes next term which is the most I’ve taken in 10 years. So I won’t have time for hospitalization then either. Part of me is thinking of “scheduling” a hospitalization during winter break. But I’m not sure I want to be in the hospital, I want to be succeeding or failing, no in between crap (now doesn’t that sound borderline.) My case manager says to call or reach out to someone when I get suicidal. It happened two nights ago again, but not as intense so I didn’t reach out- honestly when I’m like that I don’t want to reach out, I want to die. I’m thinking of talking to my sister and 20 somethings friend to let them know I’m really struggling and have extra support and people who are at least in the know.
Friday’s counseling session was intense. I talked about the school failure terror and die, read and got advice on my personal statements, read the password blog on abandonment, shame and questions. I cried a lot, my sister knew as soon as she saw me as apparently I sounded congested. She joked about being my case manager for this week, since mine is on vacation. It’s hard to have someone is generally so cheery, try and relate to my depression.