But it’s progress I guess

15 Nov

Not coping appropriately but it’s progress I guess.  Friday night threw me for a loop, which seemed to come out of no where.  I got my official notice I’d be accepted to UC Davis and what the conditions were, pretty much to complete the courses I said I was taking this fall and next spring and to maintain at least a 3.2 GPA.  I went in with a 3.49 GPA.  I guess that’s what’s got me worried.  I don’t think I can pull off A’s in either of my classes this fall and will be lucky to get B’s.  Next semester I will be taking 4 courses, which is the most I’ve taken in 10 years.  I’m very anxious to the point of feeling sheer terror.

The thought of failing after being granted conditional acceptance is too much.  I get super suicidal and dysregulated.  Friday night I ended up taking the rest of a bottle of NyQuil because that was all I could find.  I know I had a bag of benadryl by my pill chart but it’s since disappeared.  Looking back now that’s probably a good thing because I had little impulse control.  Since I took so much NyQuil Friday night (1am) I didn’t end up going to the cabin trip for a friend from group.  I was also weepy all day Saturday and experiencing some panic but not out right terror.

Saturday night I took some ZzzQuil because I was starting to get worked up again.  I was texting 20 somethings friend Saturday and my mom took me out to eat as a distraction.  Both were very helpful, even though I had to push myself to ask or start the help.  I’ve also been having urges to cut deep.  Like need stitches can see muscle tissue deep.  I’ve only cut that deep once before and you have to make sure you don’t hit a vein, it’s not something you should do while you are upset and emotional.  I feel the urge because I know it will help the feelings of being overwhelmed and I will be able to finish my Personal Statement for my UC applications as well as study good enough for this test in Linguistics.  I also figure if it’s too deep or I hit a vein, I can go to the hospital and then I won’t have to worry about upcoming tests and everything.

Looking back I’m doing good.  I haven’t self harmed.  I’m going to try and study/work on Personal Statement tonight.  I didn’t go to the cabin in my sensitive form, some of the cliques are going and I was only going because I like the birthday girl and didn’t want to not go because of other people there.  But I was too sensitive and vulnerable.  I’ve reached out for help both to my mom and 20 somethings friend and am taking advice.

What I’m worried about.  Kaiser’s mental health department is on a strike because of pay/benefits.  I don’t know for how long or anything, but I’m sure at least tomorrow.  Which means I’m not sure when my case manager will be there.  I don’t have an appointment with her for 3 weeks, since she was sick last week and had to reschedule a bunch of appointments for this upcoming week and she will be off thanksgiving week.  Which means if things get too bad I don’t know where to go, other than the hospital.  And while part of me wants that comfort and to be taken care of, I’d really like to say I could make it through without it.  So think good thoughts for me.

5 Responses to “But it’s progress I guess”

  1. midnightdemons7 November 15, 2015 at 3:47 PM #

    thinking of you my friend

  2. stuffthatneedssaying November 15, 2015 at 5:06 PM #

    I hope you can keep yourself safe and out of the hospital. What can you distract yourself with when you are feeling those urges?

    • mm172001 November 15, 2015 at 6:31 PM #

      I haven’t really made a plan. In the past I’ve just waited them out or took something to sleep.

  3. manyofus1980 November 16, 2015 at 4:23 AM #

    thinking of you. Try not to worry too much. XX

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