Archive | November, 2015

Wants, needs, and reaching out – some more lessons from therapy

30 Nov

This is very similar to an interaction I had with a friend over the holiday weekend.
“I remembered that power struggle and felt as though I was trapped in it again, only on the other side. I felt an immense need for her to reach out to me, and I simply could not understand why she wouldn’t. It felt as though she was holding back; as if I was subject to her whim and at the mercy of whether or not she chose to respond to my needs. She seemed cruel; and I felt I was waiting, helplessly, for any words of comfort or encouragement that might come my way.”

Life in a Bind - BPD and me

My eldest child sobbed in front of me, desperate for something I was refusing to give him. He felt an overwhelming need, and I wasn’t meeting it. Worse than that, he couldn’t understand why. He kept saying ‘why, mummy, why?’. And all I could do was repeat what now felt like a stupid and arbitrary rule of behaviour that had served its purpose a couple of years ago, but now felt cruel and out of place. And yet I felt trapped by it, and the more I said ‘no’, the more entrenched that ‘no’ became, and I felt at the same time both captive and dictator – bound by the rule, but exercising it on a whim. It was hurting him, and it was hurting me, and I felt powerless to kneel down, hug him, and end the power struggle we were caught up in.


View original post 1,051 more words

30 Days of Writing Challenge: Day 19

29 Nov

30 day writing challenge

Day 19: Discus your first love.

Pk.  It was literally falling in love with your best friend.  With my memory and all I’m not sure when the line crossed from friendship to relationship.  I know I was in love and tried to hand on to that relationship as much as I could even if it meant just being “friends.”  I just got over that relationship now 10 years later.  Processing all the damage from it and trying to sort out the gems.

I’m still a bit of a mess

28 Nov

Sometimes with the combo of my life, personality, and disorders it’s hard to tell what influences what.  I was having a bad day on Thanksgiving, my stomach hurt very bad because of the choices I made on what I ate.  I can’t complain, I in essence did it to myself.  Also after people left, my mood dropped.  I’m not sure if it was because the people I cared about left or what not, but it dropped.  I went in my room, to hide away and began a series of blogs I barely remember writing.  I know I was fading in and out and dissociating, I could tell when I looked at the time and my perception of how much time passed was incorrect.  I reached out and unfortunately the person couldn’t help me.  Not only was that frustrating for me, but frustrating for them too- which I didn’t even think about in my self-absorbed crisis state.  I went to bed upset, but didn’t end up cutting or doing much self-destructive.  For some reason I missed that destructiveness and let it roll over to Friday.  I held on to the anger, hurt, and destructiveness and let it broil over, I lashed out at one of the few people I cared about and it still took me over 24 hours to really process what I had said.  Things are better, but I still felt emotional all day and had to put in my glasses because my crying and my contacts burning.  Then I go to take my evening meds and I forgot to take my morning meds- which probably contributed to my emotionalness today.  So my guesstimation is a combo of meds messed up, my fear of upcoming abandonment, normal holiday stress,  not seeing my case manager this week, fear and panic about transferring.  Who knows but hopefully it’s over.  I’m exhausted and can’t go to bet till 10pm so I don’t double dose from the mess of not taking my morning moods until this evening.

I thought I messed things up

28 Nov

I’ve deleted my last posts over the last few days and won’t respond to any of those comments. Both my Facebook accounts are deactivated, sorry to those that have tried to contact me through there. When I shut down, I shut everyone out and I’m trying to learn not to do it. Not to destroy everything because I’m in too much pain and feel misunderstood.  

I’m slowly coming out of it. And putting the pieces back together. Luckily it’s not too late to still apply for UC Davis and the other UCs. I have 2 days. I didn’t drop my classes (this time.). So I just need to finish out these two weeks and finals. I also didn’t alter next semesters class either.  I tried to destroy the most important relationship but luckily am forgiven for what I’ve said. 

I still feel super overwhelmed and emotional from the last couple days. I wasn’t really eating or out on bed either. Baby steps. Today I’m taking Gibby for a walk and hanging out with my sister some. I’m not worrying about transferring stuff till tomorrow and I’ll make sure it’s done by the end of studying. I don’t know how copy and paste and just a few clicks can generate so much anxiety. 

How much farther…

26 Nov

How much farther do I have to go to where I feel happy or content or any type of good feeling to sustain.  I’ve made so much progress this year. Yet I feel dead inside, and constantly am thinking about dying. I’m in my room, under the covers. Because I want to hide and cry. I desperately want to be held but I must stay away. 

Thanksgiving 2015

26 Nov

Contrary to my rant last night, there are things in my life I’m thankful for. 

It’s been a rough ten years, but I’m finally seeing progress and accomplishments. Staying out of the hospital for a year. Only self harming twice in a period of 3 years. Having a girlfriend for a short time, and continuing to look for a relationship. Being accepted to UC Davis. Completing a year long DBT program. Keeping the same medication regimen for a year. Deep friendships and relationships. Being able to be vulnerable with a couple people. Increasing my adult skills. The progress I’m making. The people supporting me. 

Don’t force me to be grateful

25 Nov

As someone who deals with serious mental illness it is sometimes hard to “think positive.”  I get extremely annoyed when people tell me how much worse it could be.  Just as much as when people tell me to look on the bright side.  Now with a shift on mindfulness and gratitude, more people than ever are believing that if you just change the way you think, all your problems will just disappear.  Trying to ask me to come up with 10 things I am grateful doesn’t make me feel more appreciative or happy, it makes me feel guilty that I have so much apathy and that maybe I just don’t care enough.  It implies there is something wrong with me, not my life or an illness I don’t have much control over; but that I am an unappreciative spoiled little brat.  Oh the number of times this has been yelled at me in arguments.  That I have such a wonderful life and I should be grateful.  Come live my in my life for a few days, see how it feels, what I think about, what I deal with then tell me I have such a wonderful life that I should be grateful for.

30 Days of Writing Challenge: Day 18

25 Nov

30 day writing challenge

Day 18: Post 30 facts about yourself.

  1. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a very pale complexion.
  2. I misspelled complexion on the last post and often misspell words
  3. I got an answer wrong on my linguistics exam because I used the first letter of the word instead of the letter “k” assigned to it, it was a matching exercise.  I do stuff like this often and wonder if I have some kind of learning disability.
  4. I never spelled parents correctly until I started working at the child care.
  5. I have 80+ Electro Convulsive Therapy (shock therapy) in my early 20s
  6. At age 25 I had a surgical device put in that was suppose to help treatment resistant depression, this and the removal of it are the only surgeries I’ve had in my life.
  7. I’m terrible with my oral hygiene yet have the best teeth in my family.
  8. I was born left handed but my mom converted me because she thought being left handed would be harder in a right handed world.
  9. My first suicide attempt was at age 10.
  10. My first psych meds were imipramine and trazadone at age 11.
  11. I have an obsession with collecting things, but I wouldn’t call myself a hoarder.
  12. I was suppose to be a twin, but my twin miscarried.
  13. I have two sisters and to each of them I am their favorite sister.
  14. I repeated the 5th grade and was homeschooled part of 5th grade the first time around.
  15. In 8th grade I was dismissed from PE because I had a tendency to pass out, and had passed out at school.
  16. I tried to drop out of high school my senior year, but ended up finishing on independent study.
  17. I like my toes, I think they’re my favorite part of my body.
  18. I was underweight because of having ulcerative colitis as a child so for awhile I was on steroids.
  19. I have absolutely no memory before age 10, very little from 10-12, 13-15 missing big gaps,15-18 again missing big gaps. 18-25 the worst of it (also the time period when I had the ECT treatments)  My memory is still impacted and I wonder how much is trauma related and how much ECT related.
  20. I had serious treatments for depression including ECT, the VNS surgery, and 25+ medications I had tried before ever being hospitalized.
  21. I’ve been hospitalized probably over 20 times by now.
  22. This year in October was the longest (1 year) I had gone with out being hospitalized in 10 years, and 10 years ago and prior I had never been hospitalized.
  23. I’ve changed my major probably 10 times.
  24. I’ve been to 6 different colleges and how have 182 units but only have an associated degree.
  25. I know 5 languages: Spanish, English, American Sign Language, Italian and some French.
  26. I still live with my parents and have most of my adult life.
  27. Thanksgiving is one of my least favorite holidays; I don’t like turkey and constantly feel the pressure to be grateful.
  28.  My favorite number is 4 and my favorite color is purple.
  29. I sometimes appreciate my psych diagnoses.
  30. I walked a half marathon a few years ago, but hate exercise.  First and last time but I can cross it off my bucket list.

Anxiety Awards

25 Nov

Source Buzz Feed

Image 24 Nov

love me more