I’m constantly trying to define myself. My sexuality is tricky because of a lack of experience as well as a lack of desire. I have found out or accepted the fact that when I do have sexual desire it’s towards girls, the gay part. Now I’m trying to process why there is so little and it’s never been a big part of my life, the grey part. I’m not asexual or at least I wouldn’t define myself as that, but I know I have WAY LESS sexual desire and relationship desire that most people. I like sex, I just don’t chase it. The idea of a relationship sounds good, but it scares me more than anything. A couple of nights ago at 20 something’s group we talked about asexuality. The facilitator said she could go for the rest of her life not having sex and that would be okay with her. I asked a couple questions and mostly I wanted to know if she thought it was biological. I only started having sexual arousal as an adult when someone else started pursuing me. I had sex a couple times to try to be straight. And I’ve had sex a couple times with women in relationships, I was curious and was far more pursuant that usual, although I’d still say it wasn’t too much.
I want to be in a relationship and not be lonely, but I’m very scared and that fear dominates. I like sex when I have it, I just don’t pursue it. More so, I wonder why am I like this. I mean in most every area of my life I’m not “normal” or average so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. I wonder if it’s just how I was born and maybe I’m less hormonal than most people. I wonder if it’s past experiences. But mostly, I wonder how my mental illness fits into all this. I know medication can have sexual side effects like low libido and I’ve been on psych meds ever since I was an adult. I know the schizo part can have difficult with relationships and being somewhat of a loner or not having desires to connect with other people. I know my moods, specifically the depression, can make me not want to do anything. And I know my BPD gives the (maybe only part of) desire for a relationship but also the intense fear of being abandoned and rejected. A lot of people with Borderline Personality Disorder always jump from relationship to relationship, they can’t tolerate being alone but the chaos that comes with interpersonal relationships is evident. Me not so much.
I don’t like being alone but the fear, anxiety, and disinterest are stronger and that’s a big reason why I haven’t had many relationships. Also sex isn’t a driving factor like I see in some people. I’m worried about being alone in the sense that I will never take the initiative and try to start or keep a relationship. I’m worried with all my mental illness quirks that no one would be interested or stay with me. Yet on the same level, this is all just an intellectual post. I’m not sad, or anxious, or anything really. It’s a blank “hmmm” and I don’t think it’s suppose to be that way.