It’s been an odd week, really busy. I find (especially processing the week today in counseling) my life is becoming somewhat “normal” or at least what I would imagine is normal. I still see myself struggling to appear and act normal in social situations and relationships but other parts of my life are transitioning without much effort. Weekly run down:
- Monday 10/12/15 Found out conditional acceptance to UC Davis, Counseling appt, got back a linguistics test I got a D on.
- Tuesday 10/13/15 French class and DBT. Don’t get test or essay back in French. DBT focuses on secrets to health relationships and communication errors. Homework assignment for self soothing within interpersonal relationships confuses me.
- Wednesday 10/14/15 Work on Halloween lighting. Neighbors come over for dinner and to help with lighting.
- Thursday 10/15/15 Realize I have an online conversation due in French, quickly do it with classmate. (I hate these recordings!) Still don’t get French exam or essay back. Go to group, able to overcome intense emotions.
- Friday 10/16/15 Went to Tyler Perry play with sister
- Saturday 10/17/15 Go to scrapbook expo spend too much money. High school friends’ husband cancels b-day party for that night. Dad’s friends come over to help set up Karaoke machine and lighting for Halloween party. I’m stuck entertaining said friend’s wife. So not my thing.
- Sunday 10/18/15 Sleep a lot, work on Halloween decorating. Study with 20 something’s friend.
As I’ve mentioned in a prior blog, my sex drive or interest is back and it’s strange. I was hesitant because I’m not sure if it’s just my brains way of creating a new stressor since the transferring one has gone down so much with the conditional acceptance. I asked my case manager about that and she said the fact that I didn’t just automatically jump into it means some awareness and I’m more in control. We kinda decided I’d wait till after Halloween to decide to pursue that. It’s definitely stressful and I want to make sure it’s something I want not just a passing desire. And Halloween isn’t that far away. She says it’s “normal” to crave that. Another example of things getting more normal. Also she mentioned that all my symptoms are less frequent and intense now, from flashbacks, to voices, to anxiety, to paranoia, etc.
I had mentioned I went to the play and she was surprised. I said I had been to one before when she was trying to hospitalize me that weekend because I was throwing up my meds because I was paranoid my parents were trying to poison me. I talked her out of it by allowing her to call me sister, who I was going with. I kinda laughed that I remember it and she took that to mean I thought it was funny. She said something to the effect of looking back don’t you see how ridiculous your reasoning was and I was like no. In my mind I didn’t need to go to the hospital and if a similar thing happened again I’d probably still assert I don’t need to go to the hospital. I can live and function with a lot of symptoms and I know my breaking point, that wasn’t it.