As I wait for the printer to finish printing my reading and for the meds to kick in. I have attachment issues and I always known I have. I don’t trust people and it’s hard to let my walls down. If people don’t know the real me then they can’t hurt the real me. And then when I do attach it is crazy and I try not to get too overboard now. But when I do attach it is on a deep level and I get really clingy, needy, and jealous. I just realized recently that I have this trait in common with lil sis. I don’t like to admit it when we have things in common. We both have usually less than a handful of friends we are close too and do the needy, clingy, jealous thing. Her more the jealous thing, me more the needy/clingy. She’s pushed a lot of her friends away and so have I. When I feel like a friendship is going to end I either get obsessively more clingy or upset and break off the friendship before it ends naturally. I wouldn’t consider any of my past deeply attached friendships able to mend, nor would I want to. Because by the end I find enough reasons not to like them and to end the relationship. I keep that close to me and won’t let go and it also keeps me from making new friends. It seems after each deep friendship ends I go for at least a couple years with no friends, or a few surface level friendships.
I maybe should change my outlook on getting into UC Davis. I’m happy I have the transfer guarantee but it was/is one of my last choices. I also got into it straight out of high school which is now 11 years later. But 20 somethings friend was talking to another mutual friend and he couldn’t get the transfer guarantee.
I’ve been missing sex, which is odd because my sex drive is usually so minimum. I have thought about getting on the online dating and contacting more people, maybe even starting a relationship or something. Part of me wonders if this is just me trying to add another stressor to my life since transferring isn’t stressing me out as much anymore. How my case manager says I keep adding stressors and not really addressing the current ones. Well, I have counseling tomorrow morning so I’ll ask.
Life has been weird but good weird.