Who I am

15 Oct

I strive really hard for people to be included.  I know what’s its like to feel left out and I don’t want anyone to feel that way.  When I have get togethers or parties that I host, I try to invite everyone.  Usually even people I don’t like very much, I also don’t like to rock the boat.  Feeling left out in the 20 somethings group this year has been something I’ve struggled with.  I want to be included, I don’t have to be your best friend, but I think it’s rude if you talk about plans and invite others in front of people who aren’t invited.  I still try to hang out with some of the people who are involved with this.  I try not to take it personally.  After having left too many times in tears, I decided to step down as a facilitator.  I debated cutting all times with people from the 20 somethings group except 20 somethings friend, but I didn’t.  I still sometimes wonder if I should.  Tonight I decided to go to group.  I had a good day and wasn’t already fragile, I was but I wasn’t but anyways, I decided to go to group.  I had texted the other friend from group earlier in the day, just to see how she was doing and she sounded really happy and was talking about a bunch of people wearing onesies.  I decided I’d play along her and two other people were supposedly doing it.  About 30 minutes before leaving I got really paranoid that this was some kind of trick to embarrass me.  I fought the paranoid thoughts.  I went to group in my Tigger costume since that was the closest to a onesie I had.  Only two people had it, one had already backed out.  But I was feeling okay, probably looked a little stupid but was still feeling okay.  Then 20 somethings friend showed up with another friend from group.  My feeling were instantly hurt but you can’t change gut reactions.   I tried to think positive things and waved “hi.”  I didn’t want to go be clingy or interrupt since it was clear they came together.  I was sitting at a table with some of the people who are cliquey.  I try to get along with everyone.  It was game night, they decided to play a 4 person game and I was the fifth one at the table so I moved my chair over towards the other table to join their game.  It was taboo which is a big group game so it worked out good.  Still trying to get over my jealous feelings.  It’s odd to know a feeling is automatic and irrational but not to be able to beat the feeling at the same time.

After group we always go hang out for an hour or so.  Everyone was in little clumps of people and one person was asking where we wanted to go.  Most people couldn’t hear her over the chatter.  Two people, one that went to group with 20 somethings friend, and 20 somethings friend said one restaurant.  No one else was deciding and kept chattering.  I kind of looked at them like if I could go with them, and I did.  By this time my feelings were beginning to cool down and I hadn’t seen the other two people in awhile and I like them.  We sort of took off by ourselves.  It was nice catching up with the other two girls and most people probably though I just went to be with 20 something friend but I didn’t.  I didn’t even know he was coming tonight.  Anyways, while talking I almost fell out of chair- it didn’t really faze me and I kept talking as I straightened back up the chair and sat down.  They looked at me like I was odd, but I’m use to falling and my clumsiness.  I’m getting better at just being me.  Anyways, one of the girls also mentioned feeling left out and that really helped validate the feelings I’ve been having.  It also helped with empathy of why 20 somethings friend was with her.

When we left we ran into 3 other people that had been at group earlier.  They asked where we went and we told them.  One was a facilitator and my friend on FB, I had already invited him to the Halloween party but not the other two since we’re not friends on Facebook.  I verbally invited them and will not look them up on Facebook to e-invite them.  I’m just trying to learn how to be who I am and how that works with other people.   I don’t want to compromise my values but I also have to take care of myself emotionally.  I think I did that tonight.

5 Responses to “Who I am”

  1. midnightdemons7 October 16, 2015 at 12:23 AM #

    I’m glad you went to group and had a good time 🙂

  2. Andi October 16, 2015 at 4:34 PM #

    I think you did great!

  3. manyofus1980 October 16, 2015 at 8:26 PM #

    Nice work. Its hard to do relationships sometimes. You did an awesome job at group. XX

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