Today was counseling and I was trying to give her the round up of what happened since I saw her last. That’s how things usually start. And normally when she asks how I am I say up and down…. which is usually accurate. Last night I was really low and suicidal, she asked how I deal with things and that she doesn’t understand how I can deal with so much for as long as I do.
Right now I got I think she counted 6 stressors going on, though I disagree and have some lumped together. The main 3 are planning on transferring plus all that that encompasses, friendship with 20 somethings friend, and hosting a Halloween party. When I didn’t want to work on the stressful things Sunday I decided to organize this party. I use to be real good at putting things in boxes and coming and going to them on my terms. Lately it seems things can’t be contained and that’s what happened with the overwhelming yesternight. She says she thinks my relationship with 20 somethings friend is the safest so that’s why I focus on it so much. She also said that alone with what’s going on in my world it’s not surprising that I didn’t feel connected.
So she gave me some metaphor of those guys that are spinning multiple plates at a time and spin one when you need to so it doesn’t fall but how to switch back and forth between them mostly at my choosing. But needing to focus on them, that’s the problem the anxiety gets too big and I find a new project to focus on which then brings new stress. So I’m suppose to focus on the things I got going know and not add ones. The other ones are dealing with my two current classes, adding another school to the possibilities (though I think that should fall under transferring umbrella) and family stuff including my dad’s birthday but I didn’t count that either because it has passed. Oh yeah and the flashback trigger. Someone can’t count.
I expressed my frustration at not being able to give myself credit for doing the little things I am doing that I’ve never really done before. I keep seeing them as “little things” that I “should” have already been doing anyways, plus all the other things I need to catch up on. This is like the stuff talked about in adulting. Today was suppose to be filled with grandiose plans, plans I made last week but told no one of. After last nights go I thought I would try to practice self compassion and just make the only things I had to do the counseling appointment and my linguistics class.