I feel like I’m failing miserably at life. I feel so lost. I’m trying to go through the process of applying to schools so I can work on getting a BA, but I’m not sure if I’m ready. I feel like the more units I acquire the less likely I will get into a better school. It isn’t just about the BA, I want to feel successful and like it was an achievement. My GPA isn’t that great so I probably won’t get into either of my top schools. Now I’m finding out I might not even get into one of my safe schools because of an excess of units. I also just realized how much money it is to apply to all the schools, which means needing to tell my parents what I’m thinking about doing. I don’t want to tell too many people because I just feel like I’m going to fail.
I decided today to throw a Halloween Party and invite mostly people from group. I love hosting parties and Halloween is my favorite holiday but I’m already stressing about people not coming and it being lame. I know it’s the first day I put the invite on Facebook and I should be glad I have two yes’s. 20 something’s friend didn’t RSVP and with Facebook’s new settings I can see who has seen the invite and he has, usually he rsvps right away, so this has me worried. Actually the whole friendship has me worried. As someone with BPD and who gets extremely attached to people it’s hard knowing he is moving away next year but it feels like he’s already starting to distance himself emotionally from me and this is just an example. Maybe I’m just feeling insecure but something is off.
Today a trigger/pattern clicked. You may have seen my last post. I was waiting for a text back from 20 somethings friend and it had been a little over 20 minutes. For a person with anxiety and my issues it was unbearable. I was convinced something was wrong, that I had done something. That he was moving on. That I had somehow messed up. It was a flash back to how sometimes I felt at home as a kid. My parents weren’t easy to read and things changed quickly and erratically. And most times it seemed like I did something wrong and I need to fix it. I struggled to figure out what I could of done as well as making desperate attempts to make people happy or make things better. I felt right back in that space today and honestly I kinda feel there right now too. Like just tell me what to do, I’ll do anything. I just can’t take this feeling. This disconnect and anxiety. The tears and the wondering. I get suicidal because it would just be easier and I try to convince myself no one would miss me. But I know a couple people would and there is only so much they can be there for me. I just wish I was normal, not so sensitive, not so emotional, and that I just didn’t care as much as I do.