The Future

24 Sep

I think most people have a fear of the future and the unknown, but for those of us with mental illness the future can be uncertain and terrifying.  With my schizoaffective disorder I use to never know when the psychosis would be bad enough to be in the hospital.  Since I have had a break before and not remembered my behavior or actions I was afraid of what I could do in the midst of a psychotic episode.  Now with my current medication I’m more confident in not having as many and as severe episodes.  But I’ve had anti-psychotic medication work before and then stop working.

The bipolar aspect also doesn’t give you any prediction of the future.  I know I usually have depressive episodes around October and March but the severity and duration change.  I don’t get manic anymore since the medication changes but I do make decisions in hypomania that effect my future.  The only real job I had I got while hypomanic and I couldn’t imagine myself having the confidence to do it without those symptoms hypomania brings.

With BPD, I’m really sensitive to rejection, abandonment and judgement- it makes it very hard to step outside my comfort zone and try new things.  I’m afraid of dating and making friends.  I have an empty and meaningless feeling frequently which makes the future seem unimportant or irrelevant, there seems to be no purpose.  Along with being chronically suicidal you are never really sure you will even make it to the future.  My changes in self identity, change the goals I have in life.   I use to be very religious but now that isn’t a big figure in my life.

4 Responses to “The Future”

  1. manyofus1980 September 25, 2015 at 3:36 AM #

    I agree. the future is so scary for those of us with mental illness. I don’t like thinking about it too much. XX

    • mm172001 September 25, 2015 at 11:15 AM #

      I’m having to plan for it, so there’s no way around it.

  2. J September 25, 2015 at 5:51 AM #

    It’s strange how when we’re young, we gain this perception of how life is supposed to turn out, and adults don’t tell us any different even when they know how damn unpredictable life can be themselves. Then life happens and in addition to dealing with the situation, there’s also the eventual realization that life “plans” and the “goals” were somewhat useless.

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