Life feels very strange right now. I am hyper vigilant about getting into a depressed state and having another breakdown. It usually happens around this time every year. Last year my inpatient psychiatrist said we were running out of options. I feel desperate to make it through this season without the hospital, on the same medicine regimen for a year which hasn’t happened since my teens. I know my inpatient psychiatrist put chronic mental health issues as stressers for me on my last release, part of me wonders if this has to do with the PTSD diagnosis, is my trauma living a life with mental illness?
Lately the depressions have been lasting less than a week usually about 3-5 days, I bounce back for a bit and then it comes back. I know if it doesn’t last at least two weeks it’s not truly a depressive episode of my schizoaffective disorder. It’s just the BPD emotionalness, even if I’m stuck in the same feeling for days instead of just hours. I guess I should be thankful they are short lived and it’s not another depressive episode that is months long. But I’m on edge and just waiting for it because it comes back each year.
The mental health professionals (my case manager, the therapist, the psychiatrist, and even the DBT leaders) think I am progressing… I can’t see it and that frustrates me very much. I feel just as insecure, emotional, anxious, and everything else as always. Maybe it’s just because I am handling it better. I don’t know? Maybe next session I can ask my case manager for some concrete evidence that I’m doing better and I can write it down in my wellness journal. I’m not down right now and I still don’t see progress. It’s very hard for me to have a perspective, since mine was always invalidated.
Another strangeness is if this is BPD depression, what caused it? Usually there is a trigger and I don’t see one. Maybe just all the stress of transferring and making decisions. Maybe the impending ending of the closeness of the friendship with 20 somethings friend. I’m not really sure. But it feels like a crisis and I guess I’ve just been riding the wave. I really hate living life like this, but it’s nice that I have people by my side now that are there even when I’m not as fun to be around, am pessimistic, or just flat.
Today’s goal was to make it the best day possible and I think I succeeded as I feel happy right now. I did my hygiene stuff I needed to do. I worked on a fall themed SMASH book I’m doing, I hung out with Gibby, I asked my dad to BBQ and we had that for dinner. I got my pedicure with a Halloween theme. And then I hung out with 20 somethings friend and watched some Glee, something that I had asked for earlier in the week.
We’re on Interpersonal Effectiveness in DBT right now and that means dealing with relationships. I’ve notice that I do a lot of mind reading and don’t ask for what I want or need because I assume the person will say no. I also often equate feelings as facts. I’m feeling unloved or abandoned and that means that I am; it’s tricky to validate the feelings and still try to see the “facts.”