Silence is not always golden. 

18 Sep

I’ve been mostly silent on my blog for the last couple days and in general for the last couple days. I wish I could say that it’s because I was busy and doing well but that isn’t the case. When I go deeper into depression and suicidality I drop off the planet. Mostly it’s to self preserve. My supports weren’t helping me, even when I asked for it. People wonder why I don’t reach out for help, that’s exactly why. I decided not to go to the hospital I have a lot of plans coming up in October and my inpatient psychiatrist said that if the med combo I’m on right now doesn’t work. It’s time to go with an MAOI but in the hospital setting which would mean a 4 week stay at least. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I may not have much of a life anymore but still spending 4 weeks in a hospital sounds like my last resort and it’s his too. So what if the MAOI weren’t to work. He joked about shipping me to Russia. He’s Russian. Anyways, I’m down and flat. Stressed out about the future and am internally thinking I don’t have a future why bother. It’d be so much easier to just opt out of life. No I’m not on the edge yet. But no one even seems interested in encouraging or helping me back away from it.

7 Responses to “Silence is not always golden. ”

  1. manyofus1980 September 18, 2015 at 2:06 PM #

    Hugs. I know its not easy. I am here and willing to listen if you need someone to bounce ideas off. Write me if you’d like to. X

  2. La Quemada September 18, 2015 at 5:38 PM #

    I’m sorry – it’s so hard to be where you are right now. I hope you can find something that helps you hang on, something that brings some comfort.

  3. Amb September 18, 2015 at 6:51 PM #

    I’m so sorry you’re so low right now. I care about you and don’t want you to be on the ledge. You deserve to feel peace and I know you will some day. Just hang in there. Your life is worth it. YOU’RE worth it. Sending you tons of positive thoughts and gentle hugs. xxxx

    • mm172001 September 19, 2015 at 10:10 PM #

      thank you, feeling better today

      • Amb September 19, 2015 at 10:33 PM #

        I’m really glad to hear that 🙂

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