All mixed Up

18 Sep

I had counseling this morning.  I tried on Wednesday to get into to see her because I knew I was going down hill fast.  My dad’s stupid comment was really set me off Tuesday night and I’ve never seemed to recover.  The feelings or lack of them is not about the comment anymore.  Most of it has to do with planning for the future, I keep just going back to giving up and dying instead.  Dying would be much easier than living.  Easier than taking risks.  Easier than putting myself out there.  And easier than the changes I want to make in my life.  My case manager says I’m all “doom and gloom” right now and not to worry about it or have so much internal pressure about it, she suggested setting a date to write the personal statement and if I didn’t then that was fine too.  I explained to her that part of my reason for doing it so quickly (next year) is because 20 somethings friend is also transferring next year.  We discovered earlier in therapy that if I go on a short trip, I don’t feel like people are leaving or abandoning me- even though we’re apart; mostly because it is on my terms.  That’s part of why I’m feeling the pressure to do it next year, as I think I won’t feel left behind as much.  I mentioned my schools I was interested in, she liked the idea of UC Berkeley but I’m not sure I could get it.  I need to check out why the put a hold on my transcripts at one of the schools and when transfer reps will be there.  It’s so hard right now and I feel like I’m doing it alone.  I don’t know why, I’m guessing people don’t want to feel responsible if I attempt this and fail and have another breakdown.  My case manager thinks I’m very brave for doing it and how she always is amazed by when and how I choose to address major issues in my life.  It doesn’t seem so amazing to me.  And when I’m in the darkness, I can’t see the progress that everyone is telling me I’m making.  I don’t want to be in the darkness and I’m trying to struggle my way out.  After explaining to my sister last night how I felt abandoned and angry at her and my case manager for not coming through when I asked for help.  I got a different response today, as she texted to see if things were any better.  I wish I felt on stable ground with all these decisions coming up.  I wish I had a set of cheerleaders backing me up and telling me I can do this.  I understand needing to be able to do things on your own, and I can (even if sometimes I pretend I can’t) but someone please reassure/validate me.

4 Responses to “All mixed Up”

  1. midnightdemons7 September 18, 2015 at 7:49 PM #

    You can do this. You have been down before and have gotten out of it. I know you are thinking of ending things now and think it’s the only way out. Sure, it’s easy but you’re a fighter. I know things are tough right now because you are constricted in the claws of depression but you won’t always be this way, even though you do. I’m here for you, though not tonight. I’ll be going to bed soon but leave me a message and you know I’ll get back to you. You got this

  2. manyofus1980 September 22, 2015 at 2:01 AM #

    Sending my support. I’m sorry things are so hard. You can do this. I believe in you. XXX

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