Misconceptions of Depression

14 Sep

Depression isn’t always what you think.

Today I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I knew I had a Hebrew Quiz I needed to study for, usually school excites me today I just dread it. I get out of bed and do the things I have to do: bathe, brush teeth, take pills, eat breakfast. My pill chart needs to be loaded, instead I take just enough for my morning dose out of the bottles. The dishwasher needs to be emptied, instead I grab the smaller bowl and bigger spoon which are in the cupboard still clean. I look at the pile of Hebrew printed papers I printed last night. I just look at it, don’t read it. I go back to bed for a nap, I’ve only been up for about 45 minutes. I sleep for an hour and a half, I set my alarm otherwise I’d sleep all day. I get up and empty the dishwasher and load my pill chart. I check my e-mail and go over the Hebrew vocabulary list for the first time. I rewrite it once to get the concept in my head. I decide to text my sister about a walk later tonight, because it’s something else I’m suppose to do. I text 20 somethings friend even though I know he’s most likely in class. I feel the tears well up, I Facebook message blogger friend. We chat a little while, I don’t end up having a full crying fit. 20 somethings friend texts me back it’s a short exchange and I need to leave for school. At school. I’m an hour early because my anxiety and need to be on time or early. I rewrite the Hebrew sentences about 10 times. I’m done. I hopefully gaze at phone for the other 45 mins. Class goes okay.  Professor calls me out on working alone, when he said to work in pairs. I sigh and turn to the extroverted girl who sits behind me. I leave class and check phone, my sister has texted me back. My mood lifts a little, I call her but she has to go because of dinner. But I think it’s because of some comments I said implying she’s just being a hypochondriac again. It’s raining as I drive home, I find it off I’m sad and apathetic but not crying, the sky is crying for me. I get home, ready to go on walk my sister says she just sat down for dinner. Her earlier excuse to get off the phone runs through my mind. I check my email to pass the time. We go on a walk. I get home (7:30pm) and want to go to bed, it’s too early. Studying for tomorrow’s French exam crosses my mind and leaves it just as quickly. I write last blog, trying to occupy myself. It’s still to early to go to bed. I feel dead inside. So I take a bath to feel warmer (alive) and self soothe. I’m frustrated I did everything “right” and still I feel empty and nothingness. I write this blog, I think about how it’s gotten long and boring and how it will be passed by. It’s nine. I can go to bed now.

Case in point.

6 Responses to “Misconceptions of Depression”

  1. midnightdemons7 September 14, 2015 at 9:06 PM #

    minus the class taking and Hebrew studying, that is how my day went. It sucks but at least you did the DLAs. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it is good you did it. You were able to self-soothe and that is important. Plus, I liked talking with you today. I just woke up from my nap so it is going to be a while before I get back to bed. Pain has crept up so had to take some pain pills. I should be out in an hour, I hope.

    • mm172001 September 15, 2015 at 8:46 AM #

      It didn’t feel good and I guess that was the problem.

  2. manyofus1980 September 14, 2015 at 10:29 PM #

    Days like the one you describe really suck. You did an excellent job on this post. Hugs. XX

  3. sevenyearsinadrawer September 15, 2015 at 2:15 AM #

    I understand that disconnected feeling very well. But you got through today. You didn’t sleep through it all, you made yourself do it. Maybe you didn’t feel anything today but doing things is half the battle. It’s a huge achievement you made it out of bed today. There were a number of days when I failed to do that. Don’t worry so much about the feelings, they will come in time (I promise) Just focus on doing the steps. Get up, and be proud you got up. Wash your face, and be proud you washed your face. Know that every single thing you do is an achievement because it goes against what depression is wanting you to do (which is nothing) and if you keep doing them, they become easier and easier.
    In the darkest parts of my depression, every thing you described doing today, I wouldn’t have done in a month. Not exaggerating. In a month, to leave my house twice, attend something, go for a walk, talk to someone, all of that would have been a very big ask. You’re not doing as bad as you think. In fact, you’re doing great. You might not feel great, but that’s the nature of depression, it doesn’t allow us to feel anything. Slowly though, maybe not so slowly if you keep doing as well as you did today, you will start to feel more, and the depression will be less. Thanks for sharing your experience. It certainly helps me to know I’m not the only person who goes through this. I hope that helps you too.

    • mm172001 September 15, 2015 at 8:44 AM #

      Thanks. It’s hard to realize I’m doing the right things when it doesn’t feel like anything, but you do have a point. I easily could have just stayed in bed all day or done nothing. Thanks for the comment and perspective.

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