Depression isn’t always what you think.
Today I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I knew I had a Hebrew Quiz I needed to study for, usually school excites me today I just dread it. I get out of bed and do the things I have to do: bathe, brush teeth, take pills, eat breakfast. My pill chart needs to be loaded, instead I take just enough for my morning dose out of the bottles. The dishwasher needs to be emptied, instead I grab the smaller bowl and bigger spoon which are in the cupboard still clean. I look at the pile of Hebrew printed papers I printed last night. I just look at it, don’t read it. I go back to bed for a nap, I’ve only been up for about 45 minutes. I sleep for an hour and a half, I set my alarm otherwise I’d sleep all day. I get up and empty the dishwasher and load my pill chart. I check my e-mail and go over the Hebrew vocabulary list for the first time. I rewrite it once to get the concept in my head. I decide to text my sister about a walk later tonight, because it’s something else I’m suppose to do. I text 20 somethings friend even though I know he’s most likely in class. I feel the tears well up, I Facebook message blogger friend. We chat a little while, I don’t end up having a full crying fit. 20 somethings friend texts me back it’s a short exchange and I need to leave for school. At school. I’m an hour early because my anxiety and need to be on time or early. I rewrite the Hebrew sentences about 10 times. I’m done. I hopefully gaze at phone for the other 45 mins. Class goes okay. Professor calls me out on working alone, when he said to work in pairs. I sigh and turn to the extroverted girl who sits behind me. I leave class and check phone, my sister has texted me back. My mood lifts a little, I call her but she has to go because of dinner. But I think it’s because of some comments I said implying she’s just being a hypochondriac again. It’s raining as I drive home, I find it off I’m sad and apathetic but not crying, the sky is crying for me. I get home, ready to go on walk my sister says she just sat down for dinner. Her earlier excuse to get off the phone runs through my mind. I check my email to pass the time. We go on a walk. I get home (7:30pm) and want to go to bed, it’s too early. Studying for tomorrow’s French exam crosses my mind and leaves it just as quickly. I write last blog, trying to occupy myself. It’s still to early to go to bed. I feel dead inside. So I take a bath to feel warmer (alive) and self soothe. I’m frustrated I did everything “right” and still I feel empty and nothingness. I write this blog, I think about how it’s gotten long and boring and how it will be passed by. It’s nine. I can go to bed now.
Case in point.