I don’t know

14 Sep

I don’t know how to answer the question, “Well what do you want to do with your life” When I’m having days where I really don’t feel like living.  Maybe I should wait for the passion and fire to come back and then maybe I’ll know the answer.  Suicide isn’t really an option, or at least shouldn’t be.  I don’t want to live with my parents forever.  I want at least a BA and I like languages and linguistics and find it challenging.  I don’t know if I’ll ever work in the field or if having the BA will be anything besides just a personal accomplishment.  Colleges don’t want to hear that.  Even friends don’t.  I’m doubting whether I should transfer and when.  I have a feeling if I don’t do it soon, I’ll just get stuck and unmotivated and never do anything.  My case manager says I live in environment where there is no forced pressure or something like that, what she meant is my parents don’t push anything not even small stuff like brushing my teeth or bathing, well they do but most times if I’m not doing that I don’t even care what they think.  I feel like going to the local school will just be a disappointment, I think (sometimes) I’m better than that.  I’m not really getting any encouragement (especially when I need it, like now).  Maybe I’ll apply to all them and then once I get accept or rejection letters next spring I will be clearer on what I want and what is possible for me to keep my mental health okay.  The only issue is writing that personal statement.  I almost feel like skipping my meds for a little bit so I can get that hypomanic or manic rush and write the greatest personal statement ever.  I feel so lonely, I feel so empty, it shouldn’t be this way.  Tonight will be another late night at war with myself. 😥

6 Responses to “I don’t know”

  1. manyofus1980 September 14, 2015 at 12:16 AM #

    Hugs. At war with yourself? I relate. Apply to them all, what have you got to lose? And any accomplishment is good! XX

  2. midnightdemons7 September 14, 2015 at 1:37 AM #

    I know the personal statement is hard, but please don’t go off your meds. It is harder to fix yourself once you are off your meds, even for a tiny period of time. sending you hugs.

  3. J September 14, 2015 at 7:28 AM #

    Apply! There’s no downside (unless they have crazy application fees :P) No need to know what you want to do with the degree before you’ve even applied. Plus, lots of doors open up once you’ve gotten into a program and can make connections through peers/profs etc.

    Maybe try writing the statement ON your meds while channeling the passion and fervor you would have for the topic of linguistics and languages while hypomanic?

    • mm172001 September 14, 2015 at 11:27 AM #

      Thanks, that is a good idea. I will try that.

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