What saved my life?

10 Sep

As someone who is chronically suicidal and has been as a child, it’s amazing I’m still alive.  I thought I’d never make it past 26, that’s the age my aunt killed herself at.  As a child and tween my attempts weren’t serious enough and I didn’t know enough about how to actually kill myself or have the means.  I have incredible guilt and as low as I get, I’d never want to step in front of a train or a car and leave that trauma with someone else.  Even as a kid I knew that.  I’ve been in psych hospitals so much and I’m not allowed by law to own, posses, or attempt to possess a firearm.  Plus I’m kinda sheltered so the only guns I could get would be to steal from family and again guilt.  I take lots of psych meds but ODs rarely work and my family knows I’m suicidal.  But more than logistics what has helped has been people.  My sister, my case manager, school friend, and 20 somethings friend, either through knowing how much pain it would cause and/or having direct conversations where I got a chance to get thoughts and feelings out of me and hear again why I should be living and how important I am.  When I was working it was a duty to my kids and having to be told their teacher died let alone killed themself.  Another strange one, I don’t want to try to kill myself and fail then I’ll be red flagged and no one will believe me anymore when I say I’m suicidal but I’ll get through it.  My thought has always been I’m going to get it right nor not at all.  And the guarantees to get it right, I don’t have the means for.

4 Responses to “What saved my life?”

  1. Amb September 10, 2015 at 5:01 PM #

    I feel like I could have written this myself. I’m so sorry that you feel this way, too. It’s a sad way to live. 😦 I’m glad you haven’t been successful, though. You’re an amazing person and have a lot to offer the world-and everyone here. xx

    • mm172001 September 10, 2015 at 7:09 PM #

      It’s gotten a little better over the years, those 4 people haven’t been there forever and so I’m told it might get even better yet, so lets hold on, at least for now

      • Amb September 10, 2015 at 8:16 PM #

        Indeed, for now. xx

  2. manyofus1980 September 14, 2015 at 1:09 PM #

    I’m glad you have people in your life who you can turn to and in whom you trust. Anything that works, I say hold on to it. XX

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