As someone who is chronically suicidal and has been as a child, it’s amazing I’m still alive. I thought I’d never make it past 26, that’s the age my aunt killed herself at. As a child and tween my attempts weren’t serious enough and I didn’t know enough about how to actually kill myself or have the means. I have incredible guilt and as low as I get, I’d never want to step in front of a train or a car and leave that trauma with someone else. Even as a kid I knew that. I’ve been in psych hospitals so much and I’m not allowed by law to own, posses, or attempt to possess a firearm. Plus I’m kinda sheltered so the only guns I could get would be to steal from family and again guilt. I take lots of psych meds but ODs rarely work and my family knows I’m suicidal. But more than logistics what has helped has been people. My sister, my case manager, school friend, and 20 somethings friend, either through knowing how much pain it would cause and/or having direct conversations where I got a chance to get thoughts and feelings out of me and hear again why I should be living and how important I am. When I was working it was a duty to my kids and having to be told their teacher died let alone killed themself. Another strange one, I don’t want to try to kill myself and fail then I’ll be red flagged and no one will believe me anymore when I say I’m suicidal but I’ll get through it. My thought has always been I’m going to get it right nor not at all. And the guarantees to get it right, I don’t have the means for.
Marci, Mental Health, & More
Marci- Me a 32 year old gay female living in California in the United States.
Mental Health- I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar type. I blog about my own experience with mental health as well as resources, research, and re-blogs relating to mental health.
More- Art, Poetry, Book Reviews, LGBT, Languages, Photos, Religion, Current Events, Opinions, and Rants.
I laughed in my head
My Favorite Posts
Guest Post on Bipolar for Life Breaking the Silence of Stigma: Not What You'd Expect
Changes and My Identity in Mental Illness Object Permanence
Sexuality and Mental Illness Intertwined Mad Pride? Gay Pride? Identity...
Borderline Personality Disorder Infographic Borderline Personality Disorder Infographic
Schizoaffective Disorder Infographic Schizoaffective Disorder Infographic