10 Sep

I’m kinda down right now. The first half the day was pretty good but then I didn’t have anything to do for awhile so I thought I’d take a nap. Woke up from nap due to nightmares and the phone ringing. Went to get Gibby because my sister was working late. Wrote the blog, checked my Facebook, read all my blog subscriptions, re activated my other Facebook. I don’t know if it’s harder than normal because I am avoiding going to group. This is the first drop since the academic counseling appt Tuesday morning. My sister said something I know my case manager will ask as well and consciously I know the answer is no but subconsciously I’m not sure. She things the reason I want to transfer to San Diego state is to be with 20 somethings friend. I let her know he is planing on going to UC San Diego a separate school. And those are just some of our choices. I’ll apply to probably 10 schools if I do it San Diego State is number one because it has the ONLY BA in LGBT Studies in CA. I might end up going to UC Davis which is about an hour and some away. They don’t have any LGBT program not even a minor so it’s only appeal is being close to home. Each day I’m going to try to do more research on each school and costs and quality of the programs and then rank them. Coming down it seems like why bother. But I think it’s now or never. That time wherever both of us end up we’re moving at the same time so hopefully the “left behind” abandoned feeling won’t be there. Most everyone I’ve talked to, including a couple bloggers seem to think I can do anything I set my mind to. And they’re probably right, I could tough it out no matter how difficult. My question is to what cost to my mental health?  I was the best worker at my old job and I’m not just bragging, but 3 years wore on me. That’s when the visual hallucinations started, when I had most problems with the voices, the most times I was hospitalized. As much as I loved that job I sort of feel like I’m still paying the price for having it and it’s been 7 years now. Course my first relationship trauma took over 10 years to get over. Maybe I’m just not as rescilent as I think or maybe they were just two extreme situations. I know if I do go off to college I need to plan to rest some and take care of myself, I know that was a big thing with the burn out of old work. 

4 Responses to “Today”

  1. kerrilwilliams September 11, 2015 at 6:10 AM #

    We’ve all been there. Stay strong x

  2. manyofus1980 September 14, 2015 at 1:34 AM #

    at least you have it figured out where you need to take care of things so that you have the best chance of succeeding. That helps. Good luck transfering. It will be hard, but you can do it! XX

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