I’m feeling a bit better

2 Sep

I am not use to being in this borderline state for a longer period of time with also being better adaptive than I would have been years ago.  Normally with my multiple co-occuring disorders it’s a little bit of this and then some of that, here try this, and back to that.  You never really feel like you have a handle on anything and as soon as their is some relief another disorder creates symptoms or a crisis.  I’ve felt these BPD emotions before and they are not in essence new to me.  But usually they are in short lived episodes or confounded with a deep depression and/or psychosis.  I’m not really in either one right now so it’s unclear what to do.  Luckily, it’s clear some of the things I shouldn’t do.

While in a depression it’s important to keep up with life even though it’s not pleasurable and a bunch of other advice they give you till it runs it’s course or something else intervenes.  I’ve had plenty of plenty of experience with this… Knowing how to balance things… knowing when it’s been too long and I need a med adjustment… knowing when to seek out the hospital… and a general progression of going down hill and when to do what.

With psychosis it’s tricky because there were so many sets of voices.  But I had figured out how much I could tolerate from each set until it was too much and I had to be in the hospital.  I knew which one’s I could negotiate with.  I knew (most times) which one’s to trust.  I had experience and through going at it for so many years like with the depressions I learned how to cope as best as I do.

Borderline Personality Disorder is it’s own thing, I use to sometimes have difficulty telling if the emotions were bipolar related or borderline related, but I got that now.  I know that these feelings of depression and anxiety I am having right now aren’t clinical and they are relating to my fears of abandonment and my lack of control in situations.  I also know I’m thrown off each start of the new semester as I try to get my bearings straightened out.  This year is no exception although the intensity has increased because I’m thinking of an end educational plan.

Anyways enough of that babbling.  Today was pretty good considering all the build up underneath. I bathed, changed clothes, brushed my teeth, there isn’t enough laundry to do a load yet, or dishes.  I went to class and my counseling appointment.  I went for a walk with my sister and made some plans for the weekend.  I texted a girl I met on okcupid and we are going to meet up Monday.   I did some French homework and am (begrudgingly) learning how to operate this online component.  I’m going to take tomorrow with whatever happens.

2 Responses to “I’m feeling a bit better”

  1. Andi September 3, 2015 at 12:33 PM #

    Glad you’re feeling a little better. You accomplished a lot today!

  2. manyofus1980 September 6, 2015 at 11:50 AM #

    Glad your doing better. Knowing what causes the feelings is important and you seem to have a very good handle on it. XX

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