I don’t know how to open this. I don’t know what I’m feeling. It is a mixture of many things: sadness, boredom, loneliness, grief, apathy, anxiety, panic, aggravation, worry, shame, irritation, and probably some other words too. As you can see most of them are from the sad, fear, angry category. I’m also lacking motivation right now. Things seem meaningless and not in a sad sort of way but in a very apathetic, “what’s the point?” kind of way. This is making me suicidal from my reasonable mind. Past DBT leaders didn’t understand how the reasonable mind could be suicidal in their opinion/experience/whatever only the emotional mind could be suicidal. I tried to explain it but it’s not something that’s easy to put into words, but I can be very detached and methodically plan for a suicide. Usually by the time the plan date/time has arrived I’ve transitioned out of that state. Ironically I would hate to kill myself impulsively based on pure emotion. The reasonable mind takes into account my different emotions and their intensity and frequency and can sort of graph them in a way that someone could make a very convincing presentation on why I should be allowed to die. I’m going to go to sleep now.
Marci, Mental Health, & More
Marci- Me a 32 year old gay female living in California in the United States.
Mental Health- I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar type. I blog about my own experience with mental health as well as resources, research, and re-blogs relating to mental health.
More- Art, Poetry, Book Reviews, LGBT, Languages, Photos, Religion, Current Events, Opinions, and Rants.
I laughed in my head
My Favorite Posts
Guest Post on Bipolar for Life Breaking the Silence of Stigma: Not What You'd Expect
Changes and My Identity in Mental Illness Object Permanence
Sexuality and Mental Illness Intertwined Mad Pride? Gay Pride? Identity...
Borderline Personality Disorder Infographic Borderline Personality Disorder Infographic
Schizoaffective Disorder Infographic Schizoaffective Disorder Infographic