31 Aug

I don’t know how to open this.  I don’t know what I’m feeling.  It is a mixture of many things: sadness, boredom, loneliness, grief, apathy, anxiety, panic, aggravation, worry, shame, irritation, and probably some other words too.  As you can see most of them are from the sad, fear, angry category.  I’m also lacking motivation right now.  Things seem meaningless and not in a sad sort of way but in a very apathetic, “what’s the point?” kind of way.  This is making me suicidal from my reasonable mind.  Past DBT leaders didn’t understand how the reasonable mind could be suicidal in their opinion/experience/whatever only the emotional mind could be suicidal.   I tried to explain it but it’s not something that’s easy to put into words, but I can be very detached and methodically plan for a suicide.  Usually by the time the plan date/time has arrived I’ve transitioned out of that state.  Ironically I would hate to kill myself impulsively based on pure emotion.  The reasonable mind takes into account my different emotions and their intensity and frequency and can sort of graph them in a way that someone could make a very convincing presentation on why I should be allowed to die.  I’m going to go to sleep now.

8 Responses to “”

  1. Andi August 31, 2015 at 8:17 PM #

    Sounds tough. Hoping you got some sleep.

  2. Li September 1, 2015 at 12:42 AM #

    Hugs. You’re not alone

  3. Amb September 1, 2015 at 1:44 AM #

    I’m sorry that you’re feeling all of these terrible things. I don’t want you to not be here. I can see how the things mind could convince you that it’s the best option, but I don’t think that it is. You are a wonderful person and strong and you’ll make it through the bad feelings to the good ones. I’m here with you. Many, many hugs, friend. xxx

    • mm172001 September 2, 2015 at 12:42 PM #

      Thank you for your thoughtful comment, things are going a little better today.

      • Amb September 2, 2015 at 1:56 PM #

        I’m really glad to hear that. Hang in there. We love and value and appreciate you here! You’ve got so much to offer this world!!! Sending you many hugs!!

  4. manyofus1980 September 2, 2015 at 6:47 AM #

    Thinking of you…hoping your ok and you managed some sleep. Sending good vibes and hugs your way. XX

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