Learning to be happy…

28 Aug

Learning to be happy- hard

Learning to be happy with yourself- harder

Learning to be happy by yourself- seemingly impossible.

Yet I’m trying all 3.  Today is a bounce back from Wednesday and Thursday.  I was considering making an emergency counseling appointment Wednesday because of my state of mind and the nightmares, I really should have.  Thursdays badness was just residual and consequences of Wednesday.  I have a tendency to hang on to emotions, even negative ones.  I feel like if I just “get over it” it diminishes the intensity and realness of it.  When really I should just be happy that it’s over.  Learning new things that should be duh.  I’m making a deliberate choices and using skills to try and be happy.  It’s different.

It seems I am never happy with myself.  I could always have done better and I focus on my shortcomings as opposed to what I did right.  So I made some dumb choices on Wednesday, but I also managed to make it to my most important class.  I’m determined not to be in the hospital for at least a little while, so I’m going to need some cope ahead skills.  This is also involves learning what makes me happy, which I should really know by the age of 32.

I don’t do well alone.  Yet I also need sometime to be alone to recharge.  I also often feel really alone when surrounded by people.  Especially when it looks like groups are having fun and I’m not in on it or I don’t get it.  That’s one of the main reasons I’m stopping going to group.  Hopefully it will help me tolerate being alone better and help force me to realize sometimes I don’t even want to be with those people or do those things, but I want to be invited.  Really silly and childish, but it’s me and I gotta figure out how to deal with it.  Also when thinking about transferring to a 4 year school, I’d be living alone or at least with people I don’t know (which is like alone to me).  I also have so many life skills to learn.  Feeling a sense of excited anxiety.


2 Responses to “Learning to be happy…”

  1. manyofus1980 August 31, 2015 at 2:13 AM #

    Unfortuneately a lot of people can relate to this. Some people just go through life never knowing what makes them happy. I hope things get easier for you soon. I liked the last line of your post. XX

    • mm172001 August 31, 2015 at 10:11 AM #

      Yeah it’s on odd feeling.

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