Learning to be happy- hard
Learning to be happy with yourself- harder
Learning to be happy by yourself- seemingly impossible.
Yet I’m trying all 3. Today is a bounce back from Wednesday and Thursday. I was considering making an emergency counseling appointment Wednesday because of my state of mind and the nightmares, I really should have. Thursdays badness was just residual and consequences of Wednesday. I have a tendency to hang on to emotions, even negative ones. I feel like if I just “get over it” it diminishes the intensity and realness of it. When really I should just be happy that it’s over. Learning new things that should be duh. I’m making a deliberate choices and using skills to try and be happy. It’s different.
It seems I am never happy with myself. I could always have done better and I focus on my shortcomings as opposed to what I did right. So I made some dumb choices on Wednesday, but I also managed to make it to my most important class. I’m determined not to be in the hospital for at least a little while, so I’m going to need some cope ahead skills. This is also involves learning what makes me happy, which I should really know by the age of 32.
I don’t do well alone. Yet I also need sometime to be alone to recharge. I also often feel really alone when surrounded by people. Especially when it looks like groups are having fun and I’m not in on it or I don’t get it. That’s one of the main reasons I’m stopping going to group. Hopefully it will help me tolerate being alone better and
help force me to realize sometimes I don’t even want to be with those people or do those things, but I want to be invited. Really silly and childish, but it’s me and I gotta figure out how to deal with it. Also when thinking about transferring to a 4 year school, I’d be living alone or at least with people I don’t know (which is like alone to me). I also have so many life skills to learn. Feeling a sense of excited anxiety.