27 Aug

I feel so lost right now. As I had written earlier Monday and Tuesday were trying days. After DBT on Tuesday I just took 2 Valium and went to bed. I had horrible nightmares, one of which deserves the password protected posts. The first was about 20 somethings friend and my dad communicating behind my back. I found my dads cell phone and it said something about them meeting somewhere. I went to the somewhere and there they were. I tossed my dad the phone saying he left it at home and turned around and walked away. I’ve been getting bad vibes with 20 something friend and things seem awkward. In addition I’m trying to deal with the fact that he’s leaving next year and that’s just been unexplainable. I bounce from crying and so sad, to angry that I let someone get close to me, to severing the friendship so I won’t have these feelings drawn out. 

I got up just in time to go to school and realized I wouldn’t have enough gas, so I headed towards the gas station but school had just gotten out and I knew I wouldn’t make it in time. I turned back around and got on the freeway headed for class. The nightmares and all the emotions were stuck in my head and I missed the exit. I quickly got off at the next map quested directions and started off again. As I was 10 mins into the new directions, I realized I accidentally clicked west campus. I started crying again. Now I was surely going to be late options rolled through my head and I decided to try and make it to class, this is my most important class this semester.  I made it to class only a couple minutes late and it wasn’t a big deal. When I got out I should’ve went to my sociology class but mapquest was giving me 44 minutes and I’d be late. I’d had too much already and just decided to go home. Again started crying on the way home. When I got home I took my night Meds and the rest of the Valium I had out (6 I think) as well as cut myself a few times with scissors. Now it’s Thursday. I don’t think I should be driving because I still feel woozy from the Valium. It’s only the 2nd day of class so I’m afraid she’ll drop me. I’m bouncing between just dropping it or showing up next Tuesday and apologizing, she has no email yet. And if I have to drop, dropping then. Also I’m co leading 20 somethings group tonight and am in no state to do it. I guess it’s time for plastic fantastic. I don’t think I could just bail. I’m full of guilt and sadness still. 

10 Responses to “”

  1. manyofus1980 August 27, 2015 at 12:21 PM #

    sounds like a really trying time for you. Sorry you ended up cutting. hope the weekend is better. XX

  2. Lonelyjean August 27, 2015 at 2:19 PM #

    Marci, I am so sorry you’re going through this right now, I really feel your pain from your writing.

    I read this and I think given the way you were feeling to begin with, even attempting to get out and drive to your class was an achievement alone. I probably wouldn’t have even tried leaving the house! You are so strong, everything will fall into place for you.

    XXXX J

    • mm172001 August 28, 2015 at 11:45 AM #

      Thank you. Looking back I consider it quite an accomplishment that I even made it to one class Wednesday.

  3. Andi August 27, 2015 at 4:12 PM #

    Sorry you’re struggling so much right now.

    • mm172001 August 28, 2015 at 11:45 AM #

      Thanks, today is a little better

      • Andi August 28, 2015 at 11:49 AM #

        Glad to hear.

  4. the Prodigal Orphan August 27, 2015 at 7:09 PM #

    Question I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while. This seems like a good time to do it:
    DBT has obviously been very instrumental in keeping you on track. Learning your skills and feeling comfortable with using them.
    Marsha Linehan created, designed and structured DBT to include a weekly class for one year AND individual psychotherapy for a minimum of one year, one to three times a week.
    I once got asked to leave a DBT class that I was in (for the fifth time, even though I had learned many of the relaxation and mindfulness skills in a theater ensemble group I joined in college forty-six years ago).
    I had mentioned the intended structure of DBT therapy and asked how many of the twenty-five people in our class was able to get one-to-three-times-a-week individual psychotherapy for a year.
    You post so much valuable material for the folks out here that I imagine you’re doing a massive amount of self-help work. You have a firm grasp on and incredible insight into the program.
    How much individual psychotherapy (as specified by St. Marsha) is made available to you? I know my old Mental Health provider got fined $4,000,000.00 by the state for inadequate Mental Health care.

    • mm172001 August 28, 2015 at 11:43 AM #

      I am in case management because I need to be seen more frequently and have had a lot of hospitalizations so I see someone weekly for general therapy and then someone monthly for more individualized DBT therapy. Actually today I have both appointments.

      • the Prodigal Orphan August 28, 2015 at 12:07 PM #

        My wife has had multiple hospitalizations after multiple suicide attempts, some subsequent ideations. Every single time it was followed by a few DBT classes, an individual therapy session soon after release (once, that “soon” was eighteen days) and then they’d declare her capable of returning to work.
        One time, that lasted for thirty-six hours and she was back in the hospital with a belly full of Xanax.
        That time they gave her two weeks of partial hospitalization…
        and sent her back to work.
        The basis of psychotherapy has always been rooted in talk therapy, but that is unfortunately less cost effective.
        Especially when California gives you a set deadline by which you must improve your services, you don’t and they take $4,000,000.00 from you.
        I’m glad and relieved you’re getting the help and guidance you need.

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