Plane ride home

23 Aug

I’m stuck on this plane and I can’t sleep. I can’t type this in WordPress even as a draft for some reason. School starts tomorrow, I completely changed around my schedule because I decided to change my education goal. I’m nervous because I have so many units and that they won’t let me transfer to a 4 year school because I have too many units. That sounds really stupid and unlikely but most of our fears are, right? I’m hoping they will let me choose which units I want to transfer for the schools. I gotta talk to a transfer counselor, but I’m not sure which school to do it at or do both. I know Sierra is the only one with an AA in LGBT studies, so for transferring trying to get a BA in that there’s only one school, which also has a linguistics major. But all my language classes are at schools in a different district. Maybe I’ll just start with Sierra and tell them what I’m thinking and they can answer some of my questions. So my doubt and confusion won’t be so paralyzingly. I feel like I can’t do this. But some where in me I know I can. It’s hard to focus on the small steps when you have to put things in place for the bigger picture. I’m probably as normal or average as my mood gets. I’m not hypo manic with all these great plans and ideas ready to jump in. I’m not depressed where it seems pointless either. I’m just experiencing a lot of anxiety. I don’t have a lot of self confidence or self esteem either. So it’s easy to get stuck in the this just won’t work for me, I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve it, etc. I’ve lucked out with no input from the voices since theses plans for the future have started. They’ve been strangely quiet but they are quieter with the Latuda so maybe that’s it. I’m glad their not here now, I don’t think I could handle that. I’m afraid to tell anyone about my plan because I’m afraid I’ll fail or take longer than planned and people will keep asking questions and judging me. It would also be a constant reminder which would produce eve more anxiety. I need people to help keep me calm, focused, and not giving up on this. But the only person that really knows is 20 somethings friend and he’s dealing with transferring himself. I mentioned it to my sister and that San Diego State was my top choice, she seemed worried about me moving away, I’m not sure if it was worry I couldn’t do it or just worry that I wouldn’t be there to help with her potential kids. I’ve repeatedly been told that if I was forced to be independent, I might struggle a little and then I’ll just settle right into it and be fine. I don’t think so. Pressure destabizes me. I last for a period of time in survival mode and then I get worse. That’s what happened with old work. I think that’s what happened with PK, but I don’t remember. My depressions can really drain all energy and hope. If I don’t have someone fighting alongside me or for me, I just give in. The depressions are never going to go away I think. And that’s what scares me, what if I’m away at school and one hits. I’m not sure I can make it through it. There’s also the question of health insurance. If I move I won’t be working for my parents anymore so I’ll need to buy it privately. I seriously doubt I’ll be able to go to work and school at the same time. I wish I could snap my fingers and have the confidence to jump in and everything would work out good. I get my ideas and passions when I’m hypo manic but I know I can’t act on them till I’m stable. I wish getting better wasn’t so here and there, one step forward two back, and trial and error. Still an hour and a half till we land and then a two hour drive home. Thankfully school isn’t too early tomorrow. It’s the first day. I need to try to be friendly and get to know people. I hate it and I’m not good at it. But apparently it’s an important life skill. Like the hygiene stuff. 

3 Responses to “Plane ride home”

  1. Andi August 24, 2015 at 12:45 PM #

    You can definitely do it.

  2. manyofus1980 August 30, 2015 at 3:57 PM #

    Stay positive and focused. Your intelligent and you can do this. The reason you couldnt type in wordpress was probably because there wasnt internet on the plane. XX

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