21 Aug

My sister thinks I should stick to writing blogs because writing is a strong suit of mine. She doesn’t think anyone will watch a 5 minute video and judging that I only got one like. Maybe she is right. 

The vacation (in Kauai now with my sister) is going well. Mostly we’ve just been swimming and hanging out by the pool. Today we took a walk to a farmers market to buy some avocados. It wasn’t a hard walk but it reminded me how out of shape I am. I’ve been sleeping a lot which is nothing new, but having vivid dreams and nightmares so bad that last night I took 3 Valium. My sister seemed concerned I took so many. I guess she doesn’t know my full history or coping mechanisms 

I’m starting to feel down and overwhelmed. Really doubting if I will be able to finish next semester, if I’ll have to drop classes, if I will end up getting hospitalized. 

I am again feeling this pressure of the future on me. And like there are all these things I need to do. How behind I am in life. Then I get really anxious or just want to give up. 

Giving up would be easy people would be understanding, at least the ones that know what I go through on a daily basis. I’m not talking about giving up as in suicide. Just to stop trying and pursuing an average/normal life as much as I do. But who am I kidding. I’d get bored or in a worser state that would end in suicide or the return to keep trying to get better.  

I really am an all or nothing person 

6 Responses to “8/21/15”

  1. manyofus1980 August 22, 2015 at 12:57 AM #

    your doing your best. Its hard being like that, an all or nothing person. Its probably the bpd making you like that. Sorry you needed to take so many valium. Take gentle care and enjoy whats left of your vacation! XX

    • mm172001 August 22, 2015 at 11:22 PM #

      probably that and the anxiety

  2. blahpolar August 22, 2015 at 2:57 AM #

    People will watch videos, it’ll just take some time to get there.

    • mm172001 August 22, 2015 at 11:22 PM #

      Thanks for the the reassurance

  3. Andi August 22, 2015 at 9:48 AM #

    It can be hard to bear the weight of the future all at once. Especially when you put so much pressure on yourself. One day at a time. You’re already doing it. Just keep moving ahead. Sometimes that’s the best we can do (and that’s okay).

    • mm172001 August 22, 2015 at 11:21 PM #

      I try but my over anxious brain says no- age doesn’t help either

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