Today has been a weird day. I just got back from the Southern California trip with 20 something’s friend and two others at midnight. The trip went good overall, even though I didn’t get to spend as much time with just 20 something’s friend because there were the other people too. But the long drive down was just us two, so that was good, unless I talked too much. I thought I was going to feel really awkward, kinda upset, and left out with the extra companions but I didn’t, so that was very good. The purpose of the trip was to tour a university 20 something’s friend is thinking about transferring to next year. I thought it would be hard for me because it’s just reinforce that he’s leaving me (even though it’s not for another year.) Strangely instead it made me feel like I need to transfer and do something with my life. To the point with horrific anxiety during the drive Friday night and most of today. It made me feel real pressured to decide what to do with my life, RIGHT NOW!
So I talked a little about it on the drive with 20 something’s friend because normally if I talk about something that is bugging me it lessens the impact. So I need to decide on a major and think about possibly transferring to a 4 year school. My sights had been set on math, I’m good at it, I like it, and I can tutor people well in it. I thought about becoming a math professor at the community college level. It’s a good job that doesn’t require the typical 9-5 that I’m not stable enough to do right now. Problem: I got a C in pre-calculus; and even though I wasn’t putting in all my effort it shook my confidence. I am getting the AA in LGBT studies from the community college so I could pursue a BA in LGBT studies. I like languages and know 4, so thinking about Linguistics. So I’ve narrowed it down to 4 possible majors and I’m not against double majoring. I just get really concerned about, what am I going to do with this degree. Oh I forgot one, I was thinking Psychology to help be a peer advocate. I feel like I’m running out of time and there has been this tightness in my chest all day and yesternight. I feel like at the end of this semester I should know if math is an option or not. But that’s as far as I know. I googled some stuff today on linguistics and programs in CA.
So off the career/future/school topic. I slept a lot, not surprisingly, being around people requires a lot of energy from me and I was with people for 3 days straight. Though I felt kinda lonely and empty this morning when I woke up and the anxiety was not helping. 20 something’s friend and the two other people had something to do today which was related to the girl’s (I don’t know very well) work. I’ve seen pics on Facebook and while surprisingly not feeling jealous or left out (the typical response) I just feel lonely. I had a kinda date, that was just put together today with someone from the online dating site. She was really nice. She doesn’t have a lot of experience and isn’t out to a lot of people either so it’s nice to feel like you are with someone who is on your level. We are making plans to go to mini golf tomorrow.
The anxiety is manageable now. But when I think to much forward to the future I get really suicidal, because it would just be that much easier, and I don’t know if the future I plan will work out for me, or if I’ll be happy. I can’t imagine suffering 10+ more years of this.