Last night was rough. I tried reaching out to 4 different people, then posted on my blog looking for someone to talk to. While waiting I took 4 Valium and got out my Wellness box. I didn’t text 20 something’s friend because his final is today and I knew he’d be working on homework. He just happened to text me about school and I took it as a sign and talked with him a little while still looking through the box, until I calmed down.
It’s not like me to get that riled up about something. I just feel like I have this pressure building inside me and when one thing starts to stress me out it’s the end of my world. I’m happy I didn’t cut or do anything stupid last night, but frustrated that I had the urges over something I think I should be able to handle. I know with BPD I’m more susceptible to abandonment and rejection along with intense interpersonal relationships. I just feel like all the intensity is on my side. I try not to be impulsive and act out, I control myself pretty good for the most part. I use to be out of control so I can see the progress. But why do I still have these unhealthy urges to do the same behavior as a teenager. It makes me feel immature and childish but that’s just invalidating.
Anyways, I wrote a post on the FB group that I was stepping down as facilitator and that I was sorry. I plan on making cards for the remaining facilitators to let them know what I like about them and the good I’ve had being a facilitator so far this year. I don’t want to end on a sour key.