I’m okayer now

30 Jul

Last night was rough.  I tried reaching out to 4 different people, then posted on my blog looking for someone to talk to.  While waiting I took 4 Valium and got out my Wellness box.  I didn’t text 20 something’s friend because his final is today and I knew he’d be working on homework.  He just happened to text me about school and I took it as a sign and talked with him a little while still looking through the box, until I calmed down.

It’s not like me to get that riled up about something.  I just feel like I have this pressure building inside me and when one thing starts to stress me out it’s the end of my world.  I’m happy I didn’t cut or do anything stupid last night, but frustrated that I had the urges over something I think I should be able to handle.  I know with BPD I’m more susceptible to abandonment and rejection along with intense interpersonal relationships.  I just feel like all the intensity is on my side.  I try not to be impulsive and act out, I control myself pretty good for the most part.  I use to be out of control so I can see the progress.  But why do I still have these unhealthy urges to do the same behavior as a teenager.  It makes me feel immature and childish but that’s just invalidating.

Anyways, I wrote a post on the FB group that I was stepping down as facilitator and that I was sorry.  I plan on making cards for the remaining facilitators to let them know what I like about them and the good I’ve had being a facilitator so far this year.  I don’t want to end on a sour key.

6 Responses to “I’m okayer now”

  1. radicalhope July 30, 2015 at 10:23 AM #

    I’m glad.

  2. Melanie July 30, 2015 at 3:14 PM #

    Our own mental health is far more important than our responsibilities to other people in a lot of cases and I’m glad you stepped down for yourself. It’s also great for others because you’re an example of self care to others who don’t know how to do it.

    I read your post asking for someone to talk to and someone had already given their email address so didn’t think you needed a list of people to talk to. The fact that you reached out was excellent as well and you managed the whole situation really well.

    We beat ourselves up for our behaviour but whenever I complain to my friend that I have been an idiot the way I handled something she reminds me that the way I would have handled it 3 years ago would have been spectacularly destructive. We may not be recovery poster children but we’re doing bloody well! x

    • mm172001 July 30, 2015 at 9:52 PM #

      Thanks for the encouraging words.

  3. Andi July 30, 2015 at 7:49 PM #

    Glad to hear things are a bit okayer

  4. manyofus1980 August 3, 2015 at 10:33 PM #

    Glad you took a stand and wrote that post to 20 somethings group. I’m sure people will be ok with the decision. If they’re not, its not your problem. Urges are hard. Sending you hugs of support. XX

    • mm172001 August 4, 2015 at 9:51 AM #

      It seemed to go okay though only one facilltator was at group. I agreed to do by last two groups for the month and then I’m outta there.

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