I still feel like my world is falling apart and on the verge of tears. Again at an appointment, I needed to make the case why I shouldn’t be in the hospital. The therapist thinks I have been being impulsive, that’s incorrect I’ve been feeling impulsive but have made no decisions based on this mindset. I went to DBT tonight and we started Interpersonal Effectiveness, this is the one DBT module I don’t have a lot of exposure to.
At the appointment with the therapist we talked about an incident earlier today when my dad blew up at me over the tone of voice I used. I have a really hard time with the concept of apologizing. I am sorry that my tone made him feel that way, and it is a semi-accurate assumption he made about how that tone conveys belittlement or frustration (as I see it.) However, everyone in my family is all about always being right and I felt earlier that if I apologized; I had already made an internal commitment to work on my tone with him; then he’s have ammunition for our next argument. The therapist says it’s about me, not whether he accepts the apology or what it even means to him. It is me accepting responsibility that I did something wrong and making a commitment to change. After going rounds and rounds of this, for probably 40 of the 50 minutes. I decided to apologize and to do it for me, not for him and hopefully as a reminder to watch my tone with him.
I met 20 something’s friend for dessert. I mentioned that I still feel like the world is crashing down on me, I may have said it in the form of it seems like everything is happening at once, anyways that was the general mush. He was trying to remind me about 2 steps forward one step back, or 5 steps backward or whatever. I know I am better than I was a year ago, and I appreciate him pointing that out. It’s just a combination of being frustrated with it not being good enough, but lets get real nothing is ever good enough for me and the REAL fear. That I’m going to go back to how I was in 2008-2009. Hospitalized every three months, no friends, no school (fulfilling), and just horrible mood, back to so suicidal and hopeless, back to cutting. Back to being so angry again.
Or worse yet dead. I feel like it’s a very real possibility that these series of events, if they continue in this intensity and frequency could lead to a suicide attempt. I’m hoping it won’t get that bad, or I’ll still have enough in my life where I’ll put myself in the hospital for my safety for the sake of others. I know it sounds sucky and it isn’t the way it is suppose to be, but most my readers probably know what it’s like to feel sooo suicidal but to hold on for someone/thing else’s sake.