I’m really bored and that’s a trigger

23 Jul

I’m bored today/tonight.  Usually I have 20 something’s group but I’ve been feeling so sensitive lately that I decided not to go tonight.  I haven’t made an infinite plan for the future about what to do about group.  But, sadly I can’t handle the left out feeling I get almost every night after we go out after the technical group is over.  I know I should be more mature and this is a me problem.  But it sucks when you feel alone or out of place most everywhere and then you find a group that’s suppose to be inclusive and you feel this way.  I’ll probably start going again, next week or the week after, but just not hanging out afterward.  I thought I made some real friends in that group but it’s looking like more of them were just a surface level friendship and I need to take that or not.

I also de-activated my Facebook for the same reason of feeling like I’m left out.  I don’t know how more to make it apparent I want to be invited places other than just inviting myself, which I won’t do.  People pretend to be like … “oh I’ll let you know” and then never do.  One girl was always like that, if you don’t want to invite me fine but don’t lie about it.  I know I don’t drink and am out of the typical age range so may be I’m just not a good fit.  The LGBT center that puts on this group has a Tuesday Night Ladies Night Out group, so maybe I will try that after I finish DBT.  It just seems so unfair and so much work with having to re-establish yourself and make it into a social circle, especially when you got issues.  Or a meet up group or something.  Now I kind of realize how important people are and how I desire that connection, even though I have hella high standards and walls to break through.  At least I know it.

Now since I know moving out with the girl from 20 somethings group won’t work I’m sort of upset.  I’m trying to re-frame it, maybe I’d like to get a small house in the area so I could be close to my family but still have some independence.  Not sure if I could handle living alone though.  I feel so lonely as it is, and it’s a tough time of the year because I don’t have school to occupy me.  Speaking of school they called and said I need to a education plan or a hold will be put on my registration.  What if I still am not really sure what I want to do?  Back to living alone, I just see myself losing motivation, not getting out of bed, and kinda falling off the planet.  I know I lean that way a lot even living with my parents.  But usually I make some sort of effort, like texting someone or trying to set up a walk with my sister or something.  I wonder if I could withstand that while living alone and really do it for myself.  I’m not sure yet, so I don’t want to take that step yet.

6 Responses to “I’m really bored and that’s a trigger”

  1. Joyce July 24, 2015 at 6:05 AM #

    I have nominated you for the Courage To Change Award. Details here: https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2015/07/24/the-courage-to-change-award/

  2. Melanie July 24, 2015 at 5:22 PM #

    I’m glad you’re still blogging, I dropped off the planet to deal with my spiraling issues about 2 years ago & yours is still a blog I remember being fantastic to read & easy to relate to. Just like this post. Boredom is a trigger for me also, in fact when I was first in treatment for BPD/depression/anxiety, the boredom was such an issue that I longed for my drama. I kept telling my doctors this is a serious issue they need to take seriously, because the boredom was so overwhelming & all consuming that I was likely to revert back to old, dangerous behaviours just feel like SOMETHING was going on in my life.

    I don’t like meetup groups as a general rule because I feel like I can never relate to people. They all have jobs, & their own networks & partners & for all I know, good mental health. I find going to the groups & often having to meet 15-30 new people at every meetup just far too draining. I want to make connections more than I just want to go out & be social.

    I live by myself, & much prefer it because I just can’t have people that aren’t my family in my space. I have pet rats, & I found that having pets means I’m not alone. Sure occasionally I get lonely, but that really does pass as you develop your own routines. I’m definitely guilty of sitting in my tracky pants all day everyday but I realise there are certain things I need to do for myself & that is keep the place clean enough that if someone drops by unexcpectedly I won’t be mortified, & sometimes I need to leave the house. I’m now working on walking 10,000 steps several times a week but I rolled my ankle on my first outing!! haha. When I recover I shall start again, ridiculous lol.

    If you do move out, it doesn’t mean you lose the option of going back home, but you do have to promise yourself that you’ll get through the shock & adjustment of it all & give yourself time to make it work. It can take months but if you stay near your family, in all likelihood you’ll love it almost immediately because you haven’t isolated yourself.

    Sorry about the long rambling comment, I just feel like a lot of this post could have come from my brain!

  3. manyofus1980 July 25, 2015 at 7:14 AM #

    I am so sorry you feel left out and you deleted your fb account and stuff because of that. I know it feels horrible to be feeling like you dont fit in or that nobody wants to invite you places. I think trying the ladies night is a very good idea!

    • mm172001 July 28, 2015 at 11:20 AM #

      Maybe, I can’t start till after DBT though. It just sucks that it’s suppose to be a place where you feel like you fit in and then it is clique-y

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