22 Jul

Back from my counseling session.  This has been a roller coaster week and while I know it wasn’t all to do with me not having Latuda that definitely had an influence.  I’ve felt clearer headed and not as hopeless since re-starting the Latuda.  I had mentioned that on Sunday I was really suicidal but had not done it.  I was really calm about the decision, maybe at peace is the correct term.  Monday night was horrible and I was triggered by something on Facebook which had to do with feeling left out again.  I de-activated my Facebook and was going to swear off group.  I was also planning on taking my entire pill chart (5 days of meds, all that I have accessible) Tuesday evening.  I was going to schedule a blog post to say goodbye.  This suicdality was extremely emotional and desperate though.  Much different than Sundays.  When I realized how serious it was I asked my dad to try and get me some Latuda.  I texted with 20 somethings friend throughout the day.  My dad got it and I took it around noon yesterday.  My mood was already a little better Tuesday night and I went to the fair with my dad and ate there.

Today I woke up, kinda okay and then found out that the trip I was going on with 20 something’s friend had changed and I was hurt, disappointed, and a little angry.  I used some DBT skills which brought down the intensity.  I also feel real proud of me for at least being able to say I wasn’t happy with how it turned out; instead of just pretending like everything’s okay which I normally do.  I was feeling pretty okay on my way to my case manager appointment.  Sometime during the appointment, I just lost it.  I could feel it coming and I was trying not to cry because if I did I knew I’d get hysterical, like I did.  I was talking about not going to 20 somethings group anymore and she was telling me I then needed to make new friends.  It overwhelmed me.  I’m barely getting by with all the changes that are going on now, I know I need to prepare so that when those supports dwindle something is in place but I’m just too upset and trying to keep it together of those changing.  She said that I probably didn’t mean for him to get this close to me and I didn’t.  I think I know why now.

Anyways, she just let me cry awhile why I talked about my sister’s fertility appointments and going on a tour of the campus 20 somethings friend is planning on going to.  She said it was good that I was being supportive while I knew it would change things.  I talked a little about the whole acquaintance small talk theory she had last week and how it failed miserably as the acquaintances but friendships of other people before me and postponed or just didn’t contact me.  Another reason I said I’m done with FB and group.  And also I don’t see the big point of having these insignificant relationships.  The girl that was suppose to hang out with me Monday and never contacted me, did today asking if I wanted to have lunch tomorrow.  I’m just not going to respond, I can’t handle that right now.

Alright I think I’m going to go cry some more.

One Response to “Whoa”

  1. manyofus1980 July 25, 2015 at 7:29 AM #

    hugs. its ok to cry. i hope crying lets you release some emotion and you start to feel a little better. XX

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