19 Jul

I planned on taking 15 Valium tonight.  I wasn’t sure what would happen.  Nothing did the last time I only took 10.  I tried to act normal, as normal as I do.  I’m not sure if I was hoping to die or just didn’t care.  Maybe more information for next time knowing how my body reacts to certain quantites.  I’ve been off my Latuda for at least one day, probably more, and don’t have anymore as of now.  It is a special prescription and needs 5 days to fill.  I filled it online sometime last week so I should get it sometime this week.  I also have other pills that are running out this week if the shipment doesn’t come in time.  My brain is cloudy and it is difficult to tell if it’s my thoughts or the voices or a merger.  And up until about an hour ago I didn’t care who’s idea it was.  Since last night there has been a very small will to live and having access to my pills and my dad not being home meant I would and was going to try it.  I know I’ve agreed to reach out for help in the past.  Just nothing felt right and if I told them they’d just stop me.  I don’t see my case manager till Wednesday but if I told her I had a parasuicidal attempt Sunday night she’d surely put me in the hospital and I would lose some trust.  I spent most the day with my sister but I never said anything, she didn’t know I wrote yesterday night’s blog while crying for an hour when I was staying the night at her house.  I wrote a little on my blog and vaguely on my blog facebook page.  I’ve been taught to never show how serious it is because odds are no one will help you.  Tonight I set up going to get a blizzard with 20 somethings friend (it’s national ice cream  day) and I didn’t want to possibly die tomorrow without spending time with my sister and him, them being 2 of the 3.  I mentioned how maybe I should be in the hospital and made vague references to how suicidal I am.  Again it’s just been the way I was taught, plus if you really want a good go at it you don’t tell someone who could stop you.  Maybe when my meds get straightened out I won’t be as suicidal.  But the thing is my life is still so far from where I want it to be.  Along with that some of my supports are changing in the next few years.  It seems other people grow and move forward with their lives but I never do.  I don’t want to hold them back, but I don’t want to go at this all alone again.  Friends and support are so hard to make/find.  The moving out thing is really messing with my mind.  I’ve made progess but it just doesn’t seem enough.  Nothing is ever enough.  So I decided to live another day, again.  I must have some faith or hope somewhere in there.


17 Responses to “7/19/15”

  1. manyofus1980 July 19, 2015 at 9:05 PM #

    There is always hope. I’m glad you decided to live for now. I’m glad you didnt complete suicide. Xx

  2. closertohappiness July 19, 2015 at 9:24 PM #

    Thank you for continuing to post. I hope that you can access your sense of hope and faith.

  3. bluehero45 July 20, 2015 at 12:54 AM #

    I hope to see you still posting. I wish I had some magic words to make all your pain go away, but we both know life is not that simple. You may take a longer path to get to the same place as your friends, but you are moving forward. It may feel like one foot at a time up a mountain but it’s movement. Keeping moving.

    • mm172001 July 20, 2015 at 3:16 PM #

      That’s interesting someone else told me to keep moving.

  4. aeolianwhispers July 20, 2015 at 7:21 AM #

    It may seem odd, or sound like a silly idea, but you could try rereading some of your own posts on your blog here! You might find some things that help remind you who you really are when you are not feeling like this. I know some of the things you have put on here in the past have helped me when I have been feeling really low… 🙂

    • mm172001 July 20, 2015 at 3:19 PM #

      That’s nice to know and a good idea. I’m trying to save all my blogs on to a flash drive in case WordPress ever crashes and my posts 3 years ago are so much more negative. I know I’m making progress, but sometimes it’s just not enough and you don’t care.

  5. missj3an July 20, 2015 at 9:07 AM #

    So sorry you are feeling this much pain at the moment, I know because I am living it as well. I can’t tell you anything to make it better, but you are special and so brave.

    I hope you enjoyed your ice cream as well, very jealous of that. J XXXX

    • mm172001 July 20, 2015 at 3:17 PM #

      I actually had ice cream twice but only once made it in to the blog. Plus a lot of typos that now I see back reading through.

      • missj3an July 21, 2015 at 2:59 AM #

        Good! Twice is even better, well done 🙂 xx

  6. myheartinthebox July 21, 2015 at 12:55 PM #

    Hey I’m glad you didn’t die. I agree though, it always finds a way to come back and it sucks because everyone else seems to get better. Like for everyone else being suicidal was just a phase and for you it’s not. I also really really relate to the vague half ass attempts at telling someone. I do that too.

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