15 Jul

Along with my diagnosed disorders I also have a fair amount of anxiety and social anxiety.  Along with the fear of rejection and judgement from the old Avoidant Personality Disorder diagnosis and the current Fear of Abandonment from the BPD.  I have few close friendships.  I don’t trust people and tend to be very selective.  The people I do get attached to, I firmly get attached to them but trying to do that still healthily.  My competing disorders and personality in general have no room for small talk and I usually think it’s superficial and a time waster.  Today in counseling we talked about how I need more acquaintances.  I feel real lonely and isolated when I can’t get a hold of my three main people.  Apparently not everyone needs to know your problems and there are some people in your life you can just chit chat with.  I’m trying that this week.  I have picked out two kinda friends to invite to lunch or something and just hangout and chit chat.  It’ll be hard for me and probably real awkward but these girls know I got issues underneath so hopefully they will be forgiving.

We talk about the integration of my needs/wants from the separate disorders.  The schizoaffective doesn’t think people are very important and finds them very hard to understand and connect with.  The borderline is just desperate for a companion to save me from my chaos and ALWAYS be there.  I’m sure it confuses people with my behaviors and whatever is stronger at the moment.  I’m practicing blending them this week.

This seems like a “ah ha” moment! 🙂

8 Responses to “Socializing”

  1. midnightdemons7 July 15, 2015 at 6:45 PM #

    you know you have me anytime you want to chit chat, though I am on the opposite coast! 🙂

    • mm172001 July 16, 2015 at 9:21 AM #

      Luckily you have a crazy sleep schedule, so it almost always works out. 🙂

  2. Andi July 15, 2015 at 7:24 PM #

    I have to be incredibly deliberate and intentional with my social life or else I would never talk to anyone. I definitely relate to that push-pull internal dynamic.

    • mm172001 July 16, 2015 at 9:20 AM #

      It is so strange and when I try to explain it to people they look at me like I’m crazy. Oh wait I am. 🙂 It’s nice to know someone understands and relates.

  3. Joyce July 15, 2015 at 7:27 PM #

    I think you’ve just inspired a post for me! 🙂

  4. Joyce July 15, 2015 at 7:28 PM #

    Reblogged this on MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!.

  5. manyofus1980 July 16, 2015 at 11:09 PM #

    Good for you! I hope it goes well. Will be rooting for you. Xoxo

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