On suicide

1 Jul

The topic of suicide is hot on the blogs I follow right now. A fellow blogger posted his opinion in a post and asked for feedback. I gave feedback but still had to think about it. I live chronically suicidal. But try not to bring it up too much unless I’m reaching for help. Even as suicidal as I get, there is always a little bit of ambivalence. Sometimes I am looking for someone to talk me back from the edge. I try to save this for my case manager and will only bring it up if I’m willing to be hospitalized; because it happens sometimes. Sometimes I ask my sister. It’s a strange phenomenon but when suicidal it is hard to see anything good in yourself or your world. Someone I trust reminding me of this really helps. I would never say there has been a time in my live where I 100% wanted to live or I wanted 100% to die. I live on the spectrum. Only in the last year or so have I been leaning more to the live side. Accepting my sexuality was a big thing. Most of the voices being gone has helped. Having a close friendship helped. I think more people are believing in me now. It’s scary but also makes me think maybe I can make something out of this life.

8 Responses to “On suicide”

  1. revgerry July 1, 2015 at 7:31 PM #

    “It’s a strange phenomenon but when suicidal it is hard to see anything good in yourself or your world.” I I say the depression LIES to you and it’s important for that fact to live somewhere in your being.
    I think this is called tunnel vision…because it’s true… you literally see no hope going forward for your sorry self.

    On suicide? I am SO glad I didn’t – for the great life I have now that I would have missed and for the people I would have hurt. Thanks for sharing your story for others to know they aren’t alone…hugs, gerry

    • mm172001 July 5, 2015 at 5:41 AM #

      Yes, I know depression lies but it seems so true in the moment, I try to write things out of good moments so I can look back on them. I’m hoping at one point I will feel the same way you do about suicide, and glad I never completed it; but for now that’s just a hope for the future.

      • revgerry July 5, 2015 at 6:23 PM #

        I join you in that hope and I’m rooting for you!. Big hugs, gerry

  2. Ziya Tamesis July 1, 2015 at 9:54 PM #

    *hugs* I think a lot of people don’t know that feeling suicidal can be chronic and that there’s a spectrum. Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m glad to hear you’re leaning more toward living and I hope that trend continues.

    • mm172001 July 5, 2015 at 5:39 AM #

      Thanks. Yeah even the professionals don’t seem to understand the spectrum theory but they do know I’m chronically suicidal

  3. Cat July 2, 2015 at 8:08 AM #

    It’s most important to talk about it, Marci. This person I was referring to is in a different league. I’ve been on a bit of a soul-searching journey with it too and concluded that we never really know whether a person is seeking attention or is genuinely suicidal. However, at the end of the day, we need to look past the words and see the desperation someone is trying to convey and take all ideation seriously.

    • mm172001 July 5, 2015 at 5:38 AM #

      Sounds like some good soul searching.

  4. manyofus1980 July 3, 2015 at 9:14 PM #

    I’m sure you can make something out of your life Marci. Stay positive. Even at your darkest, you have things you can offer others. And people would be grieving if you died and were no longer here. XxX

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