Archive | 7:06 PM

I slept for days…

30 Jun

well only 2 actually.  I’m on my 2nd part of Vacation of the two and a half-ish straight weeks of vacation.  I’m in Mexico with the whole family +4.  Normally I don’t go on family vacations to Mexico, it’s hot and there isn’t much to do where we go.  I left Monday at 4:30am after getting back from SF Pride at 9:30pm on Sunday night.  I was really emotional after coming back from pride but not really allowed or able to feel the truth of the emotions because I had to get ready for the next trip, pack and get to sleep early.  I cut off the tears and just said “not now.”  It was probably a real stupid move but the only one I saw at the time.  I woke up with nightmares bawling again, this one again was about me and 20 something’s friend and not being able to be friends anymore.  Somewhere in the back of my brain is this ticking time bomb theory that the friendship is going to end or that he is really annoyed with me.  It’s probably not true but you know my insecurities.  It plays out during the evening most times and in nightmares.  Both involve a lot of crying and terror.  I just keep trying to tell myself I am over reacting.  The friendship is good in a lot of ways and what I haven’t had in many other friends with the boundaries, having fun, and being able to be my true self.  The only thing I don’t like is I don’t get a lot of feedback that things are going okay or good.  Maybe I should just assume that things are good unless it’s mentioned that things are bad.  It’s just so hard because growing up you always had to be on edge because things could go from good to bad very quick, so I’m hyper vigilant always looking for some signs, and I just don’t see them in this friendship.  I’m also hesitant about what to do when I’m super emotional.  I want to be able to go to him but not rely on him, just talk about whatever is bothering me or distracting doing something and not making it about him having to make me feel better.

I’m an introvert by nature and being around people not stop drains me.  Therefore after SF Pride I slept for the last two days straight except to eat.  It’s annoying my family but they should know this pattern by now.  Vacation is going pretty good considering, but I have been sleeping a lot.  My tummy is not happy with the food.  Today I got a massage and Thursday we are going snorkeling.  I also plan on watching some Netflix, sense8 and Orange is the New Black.