28 Jun

Continuing the trend from prior weeks today is a whirlwind of emotions. I don’t like feeling emotions and have long tried to block them till they rushed over the walls I built. Now I feel them to an extent but not truly because then my life would be so insane. I like making people happy and tend to put other people’s needs before my own. This weekend was no different and being with a group of people meant different and competing needs/wants. I wanted no fighting/drama/arguments/stress. There was a little but if I was ever involved I just tried to back down or mediate. There were a few times I was frustrated beyond belief but I think I kept quiet and kept my cool. My lack of ability to read people has me worrying I didn’t do as good as I thought. It was pride. It was important. It was someone’s first and another took time off for work for it. Spending so much time with these two people and not getting much alone time has me thinking about a few things. An opportunity to move out and the person not being a good match because they’re over sensitive too. A planed trip later in the summer, where I wanted to go to Disneyland but am thinking about not because I’m not sure he’d enjoy it and then I know I wouldn’t have fun and it’d be a waste of time. I know I should put forth more effort to do what I want/need but it doesn’t seem important to other people so I drop it. I had moments of peace at pride. I had moments where sadness and emptiness washed over me. I’m reminded I don’t have control how others act towards me. I almost cried once, thank god for sunglasses. Right now I’m just tired and overwhelmed and really hoping my sacrifices were appreciated and if not that, that at least everyone had a good time.

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