This BPD impulsive urges are killing me

24 Jun

Every since I got on mood stabilizers for my bipolar my impulsiveness has really went down.  However, when I get in BPD triggered states the action urges are still there.  They were real bad today, where I was considering hospitalization which would mean missing sf pride and the mexico trip.  Don’t care so much about the mexico trip and in the moments I wasn’t caring about pride either.  Been having crying fits since last night.  I just want someone to make it go away, but I know that isn’t anyone else’s responsibility.

Lately the episodes have been revolving around relationships, mostly 20 something’s friend but also my sister.  I often feel like the only reason I stay alive is for other people and then when I get it in my head that they’ll be okay without me I get intensely suicidal and also want to shut down all relationships.  I have these unrealistic standards and I even know they are unrealistic but they won’t go.  I’ve been trying to lose some weight so going on walks with my sister, it seems if I don’t text her she never takes the initiative, I’m just not important.  I want to cause a scene or test her or act how I really feel to get her to care and do something for me but I know that’s not right.  20 something’s friend just started his extra class of summer school so he’ll be even busier for the next couple weeks.  I’ll be gone two of them so that should help.  I also know next semester he’ll be super busy with school.  Of course the BPD wants me to just end the relationship now so it’s on my terms and is very worried about not having support or someone to have fun with.  Everything was just acting up last night/this morning.  Not being in a relationship, my case manager mentioning the only one really responsible for your feelings is a partner or parent.  I joked about wanting to get in a relationship just for that then, but I wouldn’t do that to someone.  I just see myself getting older and older and continuing to go nowhere.  Mom was talking about paying rent and moving out with a younger person from group.  I was considering it during the time, even bringing it up to the girl- but I’m so low now I don’t think I could handle living alone.  They say I’m getting better but not sure if I’m better enough for that.  It would make dating a lot easier though.  Also me and 20 something’s friend are a one best friend kind of person- it seems he has no problem dropping that friendship and moving on to another when circumstances change.  I don’t.  I wonder how long it will take before I get another friend, it’s so hard for me.  I’m just really sad today and lonely.

One Response to “This BPD impulsive urges are killing me”

  1. manyofus1980 June 25, 2015 at 12:58 PM #

    this sounds like its horrible to go through. I hope things become easier soon. Keeping friends is hard. Making them is also hard. XX

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