Archive | 7:37 PM

Coming To The Acceptance Phase

24 Jun

I needed to read this today.

A Life Of Mental Illness

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My mental health has been quite stable for several months.  I’ve probably come to a point that after 15 years with a diagnosis I know my triggers and problem areas well enough I can avoid these without even thinking about it.  I’ve put in enough practice now I have carved out enough of a niche that I don’t really miss things I would have missed five to ten years ago.  I have now come to accept that I don’t have to be defined by a career or lack of in my case.  In my case a career never really launched but it wasn’t from a lack of trying.  In my twenties I had read about those who had schizophrenia, bi-polar, autism spectrum, etc. that went on to have great careers and families.  I thought ‘if they can do it, why not me?’  So I tried various job fields but never…

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Quick check in

24 Jun

The last 24 hours have been hell.  I’m not too sure why.  I get massively triggered, start crying, get suicidal, etc… and it just spirals.  What doesn’t help matters is I forgot both my 5pm and night pills last night.  Just got out of counseling session where I cried for an hour and a half.  So exhausted, but hopefully won’t have another breakdown/meltdown till after Pride.  Had to put my case manager in her place a couple times, anyone who knows me in real life knows I’m not one to put p-eople in their place just not in my personality… it was just that bad.  I guess I get these periods where I grieve everything at once, more on that later.  I’m exhausted and dehydrated.

This BPD impulsive urges are killing me

24 Jun

Every since I got on mood stabilizers for my bipolar my impulsiveness has really went down.  However, when I get in BPD triggered states the action urges are still there.  They were real bad today, where I was considering hospitalization which would mean missing sf pride and the mexico trip.  Don’t care so much about the mexico trip and in the moments I wasn’t caring about pride either.  Been having crying fits since last night.  I just want someone to make it go away, but I know that isn’t anyone else’s responsibility.

Lately the episodes have been revolving around relationships, mostly 20 something’s friend but also my sister.  I often feel like the only reason I stay alive is for other people and then when I get it in my head that they’ll be okay without me I get intensely suicidal and also want to shut down all relationships.  I have these unrealistic standards and I even know they are unrealistic but they won’t go.  I’ve been trying to lose some weight so going on walks with my sister, it seems if I don’t text her she never takes the initiative, I’m just not important.  I want to cause a scene or test her or act how I really feel to get her to care and do something for me but I know that’s not right.  20 something’s friend just started his extra class of summer school so he’ll be even busier for the next couple weeks.  I’ll be gone two of them so that should help.  I also know next semester he’ll be super busy with school.  Of course the BPD wants me to just end the relationship now so it’s on my terms and is very worried about not having support or someone to have fun with.  Everything was just acting up last night/this morning.  Not being in a relationship, my case manager mentioning the only one really responsible for your feelings is a partner or parent.  I joked about wanting to get in a relationship just for that then, but I wouldn’t do that to someone.  I just see myself getting older and older and continuing to go nowhere.  Mom was talking about paying rent and moving out with a younger person from group.  I was considering it during the time, even bringing it up to the girl- but I’m so low now I don’t think I could handle living alone.  They say I’m getting better but not sure if I’m better enough for that.  It would make dating a lot easier though.  Also me and 20 something’s friend are a one best friend kind of person- it seems he has no problem dropping that friendship and moving on to another when circumstances change.  I don’t.  I wonder how long it will take before I get another friend, it’s so hard for me.  I’m just really sad today and lonely.

24 Jun

I stayed in bed most of yesterday after about 2 or so. I lost it again and I have yet to find it. They’re telling me not to ask for help, everything is so confusing. First get help then leave people alone. Because of crashing out last night I didn’t take those pills, probably not helping.  Today has been a trance but in the bath tub instead of bed. I can’t explain the utter loneliness I feel. But that’s how it’s supposed to be. Only can count on yourself and if yourself is crazy, well you’re fucked. I wonder why I keep trying, keep getting “better ” to be ripped away. I may disappear for awhile it only feels appropriate. 

24 Jun

The sadness is overwhelming and I feel I have no where to turn. The emptiness and loneliness. Everything’s pushing towards suicide right now, they’d all understand or at least get over it. My life is falling apart why wait till the final pieces unravel. But I have to pretend it’s all okay. Got to keep my secrets tight. With all my issues. That means not letting anyone in, an empty lonely life. No life.