22 Jun

I never grew up learning what healthy boundaries were.  It was usually who ever screamed the loudest or was sick the most got the attention, everyone’s attention focused on them.  There were wars where me and my mom “fought” for my dad’s attention.  I’m not sure I completely knew what I was doing then, mostly in my teen years and twenties.  Me and my sister were so co-dependent and we still are to some degree.  That she thought she was responsible for my life and would sleep on the floor in my room to make sure I didn’t try to kill myself.  While it annoyed me it also made me feel important.  I didn’t really know there were other better ways to feel important.  My parents never really comforted me as a child and as an adult I don’t really know how to do it for myself, but I’m learning.  I use to rely on friends for that, not only rely on it but expect it and at the same time I didn’t think I was worth anything so I had terrible friends who used me in many different ways.  But they kept up their side of the deal at least sometimes and I really really really wanted to have friends.  They violated my boundaries, I them.  Most were dysfunctional or toxic friendships but that’s all I’d ever known.  Sure I’d feel resentful when L would call me incoherent after taking a bunch of pills and I was suppose to take care of her unless she was medically needed then and only then could I call 911.  I violated my own morals by sneaking a blade for her into a psych hospital.  I did these things because I wanted a friend and I hoped she would do the same for me.  She never really did, yet it took 3 or 4 years to break off the friendship.

I can’t learn boundaries with my family, they don’t care and think they know what’s right.  The best I can do is try to keep mine the best I can.  But with new friendships all things are possible.  I now know that people aren’t responsible for making me feel good or better.  I know a real friend would want me to feel good or better and would most likely make some of an effort to do so.  But what if it doesn’t work, or they’re having a bad day… then what.  I guess I gotta learn how to comfort myself and ask for help but when I don’t get what I want at least appreciate what I did get (if it was healthy.)  I have pretty good boundaries with my case manager but they blur at times.  Sometimes I push the limits and sometimes she does.  We’re human.  So my people to practice with our 20 something’s friend and my case manager.  Interesting because 20 something’s friend can be kind of distant and isn’t really comfortable with the comforting thing though I do believe he makes an effort and I appreciate that.  I sometimes wish my case manager was my mom, I get jealous of other bloggers that have a mother type relationship with their counselor or therapist.  My case manager has reminded me she isn’t my mom, at least in this life she says.  But we have a connection that allows the boundaries to be be bent a little or re-positioned temporarily based on how we are both doing.  I think that’s okay sometimes she lets me have extra sessions sometimes she is really stubborn on not.  I need to learn to respect both and appreciate it even when she say’s no and believe it’s for a good reason.  20 somethings friend isn’t a therapist and I don’t expect that but he’s also not very open about his emotions either and sometimes I think I’m too emotional for him so I try to avoid it.  I think in the future it’s just healthier to see where we are each at and how extreme things are and then kind of assess what to do.  Sometimes people need more support than others.  And sometimes we can’t offer all the support they need.  Be okay with that and just believe that both people genuinely care for eachother.

2 Responses to “Boundaries”

  1. manyofus1980 June 25, 2015 at 2:44 AM #

    Its good that your trying to work on the boundaries thing. Your case manager is mostly modeling good healthy boundaries. I’m sorry you get jealous of other bloggers who have a mom type relationship with their therapists. Its hard when your own mom isnt the way you hoped. XX

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