“It’s complicated”

21 Jun

Today is Father’s day, and I don’t know how I really feel about it.  Most years my dad is gone fishing on fathers day so it removes some of the awkwardness.  This year my grandpa is coming to which will add to the awkwardness.  My mom said I didn’t need to be here so I was desperately making plans to find somewhere to go.  Lil sis and her boyfriend won’t be here, nor my brother-in-law, or grandma.  I was trying to set something up with 20 somethings friend but he has school work to do I believe.  My family invited him over but after explaining why I want to get away I’d doubt he’d come if he had any inclination to before.

Me and my dad have a complicated relationship.  He tries real hard to be supportive (but only in his way) and then blows up at me when it doesn’t work.  I try to tell him what helps but he just doesn’t do it, which makes me think he really doesn’t care.  He’s gone a lot and I use to have a real problem with that because it reminded me when my mom drank and put me in kid mode.  Since I’ve been getting better, mom’s been having a better relationship with me and now it is almost that I’d rather have him gone.  He is also in mind super judgmental (especially with appearances) and superficial.  It’s frustrating to me that all my friends like him and think he’s a great guy and then the stuff he say’s about him when they leave.

As he’s gotten older he has gotten more grumpy, bickers a lot, and insists on being right.  It’s always a terrible match when he comes to visit for the holidays.  Normally I distract by playing cards with my grandma.  They (dad and grandpa) bicker constantly and never give in to being “wrong” or letting it go.  My dad doesn’t believe in my grandpa supporting my cousins so hopefully that doesn’t come up.  It’s a constant state of tension and I hate tension and conflict even if it’s stupid constant bickering.

I got my dad a card for fathers day.  I don’t know what else to really get him.  I got my car washed while he was gone, and he was really happy about that.  I also brought him one of his favorite pieces of pie, I hope that’s enough.  But that’s the thing with my dad doesn’t matter how hard you try it’s never enough.

2 Responses to ““It’s complicated””

  1. manyofus1980 June 21, 2015 at 6:05 PM #

    I’m sorry its not a great day. Did you find something to do to get out of the house? Hope you did. XX

    • mm172001 June 22, 2015 at 11:00 AM #

      Later that evening I did.

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