20 Jun

I had an interesting conversation with a girl that goes to my 20 somethings group.  Well, I had an interesting day; so we will start there.

This morning I went with said friend to a BDSM workshop help at the local LGBT center.  Two other people were suppose to meet us but it ended up just us.  Me and the girl carpooled out together and had lunch afterwards.  We plan on co-leading a discussion group on BDSM for the 20 somethings group.  I might be kinda hypomanic so hopefully I don’t regret my talkativeness later.  We both kid of shared our histories with relationships and BDSM.  She asked me some questions about my meds and ECT.  I talked a little about my life in general as she did to.  We parted ways and agreed to meet another time to go over more clearly what we wanted to discus in 20 somethings group, the workshop was a little over two hours and 20 somethings group meets for an hour only.

Tonight I had plans to go to a gay play with 20 something’s friend.  This friend from earlier also showed an interest in going.  I tried to stay neutral even though I knew/wanted to spend time with just him and I, as I felt I had somethings to say and some advice I needed.  I ended up texting him about whether we were going to meet and drive together or just meet there.  He said he was bringing another friend from 20 somethings group so we should just meet there.  At this point I mentioned the girl I went earlier wanted to go and if I should ask her if she wanted to carpool.  He said okay.  Again a little bummed because we had planned on going to this dessert place before or after the play.  But like I said earlier trying not to be so clingy or let my insecurities get the best of me.  So in opposite action form, I just rolled with it.

We ended up carpooling so more time to talk in the car.  I had printed some resources for the BDSM discussion so I gave her those and we briefly talked about it.  Turns out all 4 of us got to the play at exactly the same time.  It was a little early so I mentioned if the other two friends would be interested in going to get dessert with us after, both were.  The play was great and I understood this one so that made me happy.  There was a lot of male nudity and I’m getting more and more comfortable with that, so good for me.  After the play we all walked to the dessert place to get dessert.  We talked a little and I kept saying embarrassing things so 20 somethings friend would change the subject and that made me realize I shouldn’t have said what I said. It was just stuff about people who don’t support LGBT rights but have always been nice to me or meaningless rambling.

The interesting part came on the drive home.  I mentioned how I think I might be outgrowing the 20 somethings group.  This is something I had only mentioned to 20 somethings friend.  I didn’t give all the reasons but just said it.  She said our 20 somethings group is kinda of a transitioning place and we talked about being baby gays.  I mentioned looking to get involved with the sac BDSM community and she talked about the gay club at the college she will be transferring.  As we talked about transitioning, growing up, and being more out of one’s comfort zone I felt like I finally had this realization:

I feel like I have out grown the 20 something’s group but don’t feel like I have anywhere else to go, so I’m holding on.  It’s time to get a little out of my comfort zone again and find a new type of group, community, or friends maybe closer to my age.  I’ll be 33 this year.  I obviously don’t want to let go of 20 somethings group till I feel comfortable somewhere else, but it felt good to know it wasn’t just about the drama or immaturity.

I feel all insightful and energetic and my brain is working faster than my fingers can type.  I didn’t sleep much and am not too tired now but will force myself to try and sleep. I don’t know if I should have trusted this girl with all I said to her today but my hypomanic talkativeness and hate for awkward silence kinda teamed up against me.  Hopefully I didn’t make a mistake.  And hopefully I don’t do anything else stupid or irresponsible while the rest of this hypomanic phase lasts.

4 Responses to “Interesting…”

  1. the Prodigal Orphan June 21, 2015 at 3:22 AM #

    A part of this post reminds me of a story I have.
    Another part reminds me of a different story I have.
    Never mind the specifics and the trappings, I can kind of get those feelings.
    I’ve had them before, somewhere or other, either “back when” or “back even farther”.
    It’s always nice, always comforting and, if we’re lucky, always encouraging to have those same feelings come to you through someone else’s words. Bonus points if they’re coming from what appeared to be an entirely different place.
    We all have our stories to tell.
    If you can do it effectively and honestly, pronouns and ages are highly overrated

    • mm172001 June 22, 2015 at 10:59 AM #

      I don’t feel my age so I understand what you mean. It’s more about maturity.

  2. manyofus1980 June 21, 2015 at 6:18 PM #

    Sounds like you did a lot, said a lot, and are realising some things. Good for you!

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