Archive | 11:43 PM


20 Jun

I had an interesting conversation with a girl that goes to my 20 somethings group.  Well, I had an interesting day; so we will start there.

This morning I went with said friend to a BDSM workshop help at the local LGBT center.  Two other people were suppose to meet us but it ended up just us.  Me and the girl carpooled out together and had lunch afterwards.  We plan on co-leading a discussion group on BDSM for the 20 somethings group.  I might be kinda hypomanic so hopefully I don’t regret my talkativeness later.  We both kid of shared our histories with relationships and BDSM.  She asked me some questions about my meds and ECT.  I talked a little about my life in general as she did to.  We parted ways and agreed to meet another time to go over more clearly what we wanted to discus in 20 somethings group, the workshop was a little over two hours and 20 somethings group meets for an hour only.

Tonight I had plans to go to a gay play with 20 something’s friend.  This friend from earlier also showed an interest in going.  I tried to stay neutral even though I knew/wanted to spend time with just him and I, as I felt I had somethings to say and some advice I needed.  I ended up texting him about whether we were going to meet and drive together or just meet there.  He said he was bringing another friend from 20 somethings group so we should just meet there.  At this point I mentioned the girl I went earlier wanted to go and if I should ask her if she wanted to carpool.  He said okay.  Again a little bummed because we had planned on going to this dessert place before or after the play.  But like I said earlier trying not to be so clingy or let my insecurities get the best of me.  So in opposite action form, I just rolled with it.

We ended up carpooling so more time to talk in the car.  I had printed some resources for the BDSM discussion so I gave her those and we briefly talked about it.  Turns out all 4 of us got to the play at exactly the same time.  It was a little early so I mentioned if the other two friends would be interested in going to get dessert with us after, both were.  The play was great and I understood this one so that made me happy.  There was a lot of male nudity and I’m getting more and more comfortable with that, so good for me.  After the play we all walked to the dessert place to get dessert.  We talked a little and I kept saying embarrassing things so 20 somethings friend would change the subject and that made me realize I shouldn’t have said what I said. It was just stuff about people who don’t support LGBT rights but have always been nice to me or meaningless rambling.

The interesting part came on the drive home.  I mentioned how I think I might be outgrowing the 20 somethings group.  This is something I had only mentioned to 20 somethings friend.  I didn’t give all the reasons but just said it.  She said our 20 somethings group is kinda of a transitioning place and we talked about being baby gays.  I mentioned looking to get involved with the sac BDSM community and she talked about the gay club at the college she will be transferring.  As we talked about transitioning, growing up, and being more out of one’s comfort zone I felt like I finally had this realization:

I feel like I have out grown the 20 something’s group but don’t feel like I have anywhere else to go, so I’m holding on.  It’s time to get a little out of my comfort zone again and find a new type of group, community, or friends maybe closer to my age.  I’ll be 33 this year.  I obviously don’t want to let go of 20 somethings group till I feel comfortable somewhere else, but it felt good to know it wasn’t just about the drama or immaturity.

I feel all insightful and energetic and my brain is working faster than my fingers can type.  I didn’t sleep much and am not too tired now but will force myself to try and sleep. I don’t know if I should have trusted this girl with all I said to her today but my hypomanic talkativeness and hate for awkward silence kinda teamed up against me.  Hopefully I didn’t make a mistake.  And hopefully I don’t do anything else stupid or irresponsible while the rest of this hypomanic phase lasts.

30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge: Day 30 Recovery!

20 Jun

What does recovery mean to me?

A complicated person, with a complicated life

MIA challenge

Day 30: What does recovery mean to you?

This is a loaded question with a lot of people.  I just read an article in the NAMI Advocate about the medical model of recovery and the recovery model of recovery.  Essentially the medical model defines recovery as curing or reducing symptoms where the recovery model focuses on improving health and wellness.  My opinion is that both need to be integrated.  Specific to my mental illnesses (schizoaffective disorder and borderline personality disorder) I need reduced symptoms to help improve health and wellness.  Without therapy, counseling, and medication I could not do the things that keep me well like school for structure and accountability, socializing for support, distraction, and fun, and just maintaining a somewhat normal life.

With voices, suicidal thoughts, self harm scars to hide and be ashamed of, no energy, emptiness, no motivation, and mistrust (all symptoms of the two disorders)…

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DBT: Emotions

20 Jun

Emotions is an acronym about coping with and managing emotions effectively.  This falls under the category of emotional regulation.

Exposure to emotions. spending time with my emotions

  • My examples.  Not trying to avoid specific emotions like fear, sadness, or anger- but don’t hold on to them either.  Notice joy and keep up whatever is making me joyful.

Mindful of current emotions.  Build an awareness of what emotions I am feeling in the moment without having to act them out.

  • Being sad but not breaking down into tears.  Being insecure but not having to ask for reassurance.

Outline a plan to deal with emotions.  Figure out how to effectively deal with all of my different emotions.

  • When I’m sad go to my wellness box.  When I’m angry blog.  When I’m anxious (most times) do it anyways.

Take opposite action.  Be mindful of my emotion while engaging in the actions that bring the opposite emotion into my experience.

  • Looking at scrapbooks or SMASH books.

Increase positive experiences.  Do things that are enjoyable and fun.

  • Plan pleasurable activities like going out with a friend, treating yourself to something nice, swim.

Obstacles and plan to overcome them.  Determine the obstacles to effectively deal with my emotions and how to overcome them.

  • Sadness get lethargic want to stay in bed, drink a red bull then stay occupied.  Anger want to cut or tell people off, blog it out, vent to a friend, stay away from cutting places and rituals.

Notice what is going on.  Be aware of what is going on around me and inside me.

  • When anxious periodically check in with how I’m feeling inside and if it’s too much start making plans to leave.  If I notice things in the environment that will worsen my mood stay away, like interpersonal conflict.

Support system.  Connect with my support system to help me cope.

  • Case manager, therapist, my sister, 20 something’s friend, blogger friend

Some SMASH* Pages

20 Jun

Here is one thing I like to do as a distraction and also pleasurable activity.


What is it

20 Jun

I’ve blacked out a few times. Once I woke up with a bottle of pills in my car in the parking lot of Walmart. Another time I woke up in the morning with several cuts on my upper stomach and blood on my shirt.   I’ve “lost” my scissors (one of the things I use to cut with) then vaguely remember they’re in the bathroom in a box with bubble bath and stuff, easy to find. I’ve also blacked out and woke up in the hospital. There’s probably other times too, but these are the most memorable.

I don’t drink and have never tried any drugs, even marijuana. My case manager said something about sensory overload and I just black out. I think it more likely has to do with stress, extreme emotions, or dissociation. Anyone else have these blackouts? I’m scared of what I could do, when I’m not really aware of it.