Archive | 12:30 PM

Progress: 1,001 Followers in the making

15 Jun

come along way

Since I’ve re-blogged my first post before WordPress will not allow me to re-blog it again, dumb I know.  Here is an except, click here for the full text of my first blog post written 4/24/2009:

Today is not a good day.  Yesterday was sort of okay, that’s how it normally works.  I f anything semi-good is happening it won’t last.  I wouldn’t call today “bad” oh yeah I’ve had my bad days, it’s just not good.  I feel empty and lonely, looking at these scars and healing wounds is not helping.  I can’t take a bath, that’s when I cut.  It’s freaking summer and I’m wearing pants and earlier a long sleeve shirt to go to church.  I’m ashamed of my cutting, want to quit but don’t want to give it up really.  I give up my tools, turn it over and vow to “get better” but life hits too hard and I go running back.  Unfortunately I’ve ran back at least once a week this last month.

The difference today is a good day and I’ve had about a week long string of “good days.”  I’ve learned that good days come and bad days come, and if you wait it out things usually turn around.  The good days or moments and the bad days or moments shifting is usually my perception of things and has to do with my emotion regulation something that is messed up in me, and a defining factor of Borderline Personality Disorder.  The weeks and months on end of bad days tend to be episodes of depression part of the bipolar diagnosis.  And unfortunately if it isn’t one it’s the other and it feels like a constant roller coaster with the length and intensity depending on which mental illness ride I’m on at the time.

I’m learning to ride the ride better, and understanding somethings you just have to deal with it.  I found a few new medications last October that ended a nearly year long depressive episode.  I’m taking a year long DBT course to help with the emotion regulation and many other aspects of the Borderline Personality Disorder.  It’s been 4 months without self harming and right before that I had gone just over two years without self harming.  Slipped up with one cut and I’m starting over again, in the past I would have just kept cutting because it’s “too hard” and “it’s going to happen again anyways.”

My blog has been running 6 years now.  1,001 followers. Some things that have changed since I started blogging:

  • I came out as gay to my family and friends and now am a facilitator for a social LGBT group called the 20 something’s.
  • I’ve said goodbye to toxic relationships and made new friends and finally have a healthy friendship with a best friend.
  • My diagnoses have been fine tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder- Bipolar type, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
  • I’ve been able to return to school full time, instead of being limited to take only one or two classes because I couldn’t handle the stress or stay stable that long.
  • I have a better understanding of my mom and  a better relationship with her.
  • I’ve realized that I have some serious things to work through before being able to go back to work full time.
  • I’ve learned that my mood is a combination of things I can and cannot control.
  • I’ve made a commitment to stop self harming.
  • I had a bad year last year (2014) with 3 hospitalizations within 8 months and received an intensive case manager in addition to already existing case manager, therapist, and psychiatrist.
  • In 2012, we added the therapist to the treatment team because my case manager realized I was more screwed up than I was letting on.
  • I’ve made a couple incredible friends in the blogosphere and unfortunately lost some to suicide.


15 Jun


Update: 6/14/15

15 Jun

Today I had some friends over to play Frisbee and go swimming.  Last night’s Orange is the NEw Black binge watching/sleepover was only a few of us and we ended up watching about 5 episodes.  I had a long sleep between that and Frisbee/pool tonight.  When we were playing Frisbee I was feeling that icky empty meaningless feeling.  I had to walk a way a few times and just try to get a hold of myself.  Sometimes it’s the times you are surrounded by people when you feel most lonely.  I was honestly regretting putting this thing together; finally maybe pushing me past my socializing breaking point.

For some reason when we got to the house everything changed.  I guess that’s the plus of the BPD emotions coming and going quickly as opposed to the bipolar one’s sticking around for longer.  I’ve actually been a little concerned that I’ve been in somewhat of a hypomania for the last week or so.  I’ve had to take Valium more than a couple times to sleep and haven’t been needing to drink near as many energy drinks.  Anyways, back on topic: I felt better when I got home.  We had some pizza and went in the pool/spa.  There were 13 of us and everyone was getting along real good, that was nice too.  People seemed to be enjoying themselves and there was a lot of laughter and horseplay.  Like I’ve said before I like making people happy, especially the people I care about.

It’s midnight and even though I’m not sleepy it is time to try and go to bed.  It’s been a week of mostly good days and majority of good mood.  Almost like Nov/Dec when I started the new meds.