Archive | 11:15 PM


11 Jun

I was almost always the host in junior high and high school.  I’m the planner and most of events were planned and executed by me.  Even though I don’t have the reserves of energy I had back then, (thank you mood stabilizers :/ ) I still like hosting.  Sure it can be stressful, but I feel like I have control and that makes me less anxious.  I for the most part know what’s going to happen, and when.  Sometimes who will be there but with things like group I can’t necessarily control that.  I feel like I need to interact with different people and make sure everyone is having fun.  And most of all I feel real accomplished when everyone has a good time!  I think one of the things that makes me happiest is seeing people I care about happy and having played a part in that.   That’s why I host events, even with the anxiety, time, energy, and costs- it’s all worth it.  To see the people I care about laugh and smile, and if I made other people’s day in the progress that’s just a bonus.

Daily Prompt: I am a rock!

11 Jun

WordPress Daily Prompt 6/11/15Is it easy for you to ask for help when you need it, or do you prefer to rely only on yourself? Why?

No, oh no.  I was taught or learned early on that asking for help was futile or it just made you weak.  Since a young age I have only relied on myself and it’s colored my world quite a bit.  To be the only one helping yourself takes a lot of energy and it’s excruciating lonely.  My health and socialization definitely took a hit.  As I’ve grown into an adult my case manager has regularly told me I need to ask for help and it’s okay too.  I’m still weary, what if they can’t help me?  What if they think I’m weak?  What if they don’t believe me?  What if they don’t think I’m worth helping?  Who says I can count on them anyways?  It all goes back to childhood.  I’m now learning to ask for help more from safe people and still have a hard time asking for help from family unless it is my sister.  You know what they say… old habits die hard.

Update 6/11/15

11 Jun

It’s Thursday at 1am and I can’t sleep.  I went to bed earlier tonight and just woke up and couldn’t sleep.  Normally this happens between 2-3:30am, so it’s a little early.  Instead of tossing and turning in bed I thought I’d write out an update since my last couple posts have been about DBT.

Things are going well and I’m surprised.  I’ve been keeping myself busy and then recovering by sleeping a day away.  I thought I would have a real hard summer this year, and I know it’s early, but things aren’t as bad as I was projecting.  I’m trying to find fun things to plan and do, so I have stuff to look forward to.  I made a homemade planner/scrapbook type thing and have been planning the summer and the rest of my year.

I had counseling today and will have it for two weeks and then take a 3 week break because her and/or I will be out of town.  I’m not even nervous.  I talked about what I wanted to work on in counseling today and sort of how I want to do it.  So if something comes up related to my two big issues, I’ll work on that.  If not I’ll work on whatever else in the moment.  Not to force things, it sounds like a good idea but I’m impatient and want to solve things quickly which usually involves forcing things a little too much.  Here’s a chance to let that go.

I really realized how much my family cares about appearances.  I know how we are/were “seen” as a family by the outside world was very important.  It felt so lonely and contradictory that people thought such good things and didn’t know the chaos that was going on behind closed doors.  I also realized there are a lot of vain people and while the motivation to lose weight is a good one.  I am overweight and would like to lose some and get healthier, it’s coming from a very unhealthy place with their expectations and it will never be good enough anyways.

That’s really all I have to say right now.