Archive | 5:16 PM

Goodbye Toxic Relationships

8 Jun

I’ve had very few friendships over the years, especially after high school.  I normally had one person who was my “best friend” and that was it.  Most of these friendships most people wouldn’t even call friendships.  But I held on to the wrong people because at least then I had a friend.  It’s hard for me to get close to people and even harder to trust and make a good relationship out of it.  I also have the social anxiety working against me.  Most my friends in the past just used me for one thing or another.  And I would never imagine confiding in them or going to them for support.  A few years ago when I started to reconnect with high school friend she said something about Idaho friend being my best friend.   I was quick to say no and that I didn’t have a “best friend.”  She was drunk and said something about how’d she would be my best friend, it was a sweet gesture.  In the last two years or so I have gotten better at teasing out friendships and what they mean to me.  Who can you trust?  Who would you go to for support?  Who is someone you just have fun with?  Who are friends of friends or friends by relation?  Who can you be yourself around?

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I’ve also stopped being the only one putting in the effort.  A friendship should be a two way street and in many of mine it was not.  I’ve started sort of making levels of friends and sorting people in to categories.  I have a handful of good friends that I enjoy spending time with, but either the connection isn’t there or I’ve seen how they treat other people and don’t trust them.  Some people aren’t as available as they have such a large social network.   But I can say with confidence now that I have a best friend and that hasn’t been so since the last relationship with PK where she was also my best friend.  So over 10 years.  Even though me and 20 somethings friend have been close friends for awhile, I would be terrified to call him my best friend thinking he would say that he wasn’t.  Usual BPD type fears.  Even as he keep reassuring me that we were friends and I kept saying that I sabotage relationships and stuff, I still wondered.  Even though he said I was his best friend now, I would still be afraid to say it in front of anyone.  I guess I’m getting a little more secure as I posted something on his wall for #NationalBestFriendDay  I’m so much happier with the way my relationships are than before.  I wish I had a couple real close friends but I’d rather have quality over quantity.

bestfriends