Archive | June, 2015

I slept for days…

30 Jun

well only 2 actually.  I’m on my 2nd part of Vacation of the two and a half-ish straight weeks of vacation.  I’m in Mexico with the whole family +4.  Normally I don’t go on family vacations to Mexico, it’s hot and there isn’t much to do where we go.  I left Monday at 4:30am after getting back from SF Pride at 9:30pm on Sunday night.  I was really emotional after coming back from pride but not really allowed or able to feel the truth of the emotions because I had to get ready for the next trip, pack and get to sleep early.  I cut off the tears and just said “not now.”  It was probably a real stupid move but the only one I saw at the time.  I woke up with nightmares bawling again, this one again was about me and 20 something’s friend and not being able to be friends anymore.  Somewhere in the back of my brain is this ticking time bomb theory that the friendship is going to end or that he is really annoyed with me.  It’s probably not true but you know my insecurities.  It plays out during the evening most times and in nightmares.  Both involve a lot of crying and terror.  I just keep trying to tell myself I am over reacting.  The friendship is good in a lot of ways and what I haven’t had in many other friends with the boundaries, having fun, and being able to be my true self.  The only thing I don’t like is I don’t get a lot of feedback that things are going okay or good.  Maybe I should just assume that things are good unless it’s mentioned that things are bad.  It’s just so hard because growing up you always had to be on edge because things could go from good to bad very quick, so I’m hyper vigilant always looking for some signs, and I just don’t see them in this friendship.  I’m also hesitant about what to do when I’m super emotional.  I want to be able to go to him but not rely on him, just talk about whatever is bothering me or distracting doing something and not making it about him having to make me feel better.

I’m an introvert by nature and being around people not stop drains me.  Therefore after SF Pride I slept for the last two days straight except to eat.  It’s annoying my family but they should know this pattern by now.  Vacation is going pretty good considering, but I have been sleeping a lot.  My tummy is not happy with the food.  Today I got a massage and Thursday we are going snorkeling.  I also plan on watching some Netflix, sense8 and Orange is the New Black.


28 Jun

Continuing the trend from prior weeks today is a whirlwind of emotions. I don’t like feeling emotions and have long tried to block them till they rushed over the walls I built. Now I feel them to an extent but not truly because then my life would be so insane. I like making people happy and tend to put other people’s needs before my own. This weekend was no different and being with a group of people meant different and competing needs/wants. I wanted no fighting/drama/arguments/stress. There was a little but if I was ever involved I just tried to back down or mediate. There were a few times I was frustrated beyond belief but I think I kept quiet and kept my cool. My lack of ability to read people has me worrying I didn’t do as good as I thought. It was pride. It was important. It was someone’s first and another took time off for work for it. Spending so much time with these two people and not getting much alone time has me thinking about a few things. An opportunity to move out and the person not being a good match because they’re over sensitive too. A planed trip later in the summer, where I wanted to go to Disneyland but am thinking about not because I’m not sure he’d enjoy it and then I know I wouldn’t have fun and it’d be a waste of time. I know I should put forth more effort to do what I want/need but it doesn’t seem important to other people so I drop it. I had moments of peace at pride. I had moments where sadness and emptiness washed over me. I’m reminded I don’t have control how others act towards me. I almost cried once, thank god for sunglasses. Right now I’m just tired and overwhelmed and really hoping my sacrifices were appreciated and if not that, that at least everyone had a good time.


26 Jun

I was surprised to hear about the Supreme Court decision this morning. I don’t keep much up on the news because it’s so triggering. Only after a few friends from group told me about it, did it finally sunk in. 

Marriage equality for me is about “normalizing” things. It’s also a chance for everyone that supports it to change their Facebook profile pic to a cooler rainbow striped version.  I was surprised by the number of Fb friends that changed their pic. I know some did it cuz it’s trendy. But to me it’s just great that  supporting gay marriage is trendy. 

I had a real hard time coming to terms with my sexuality. And while I am out, I don’t make it a point to refer to myself as gay. Actually I usually try not to mention in but will admit to it if it comes up. I was raised in a family and society where strong negative connotation and words like “admit” still have a hold on me. Like I’ve committed some kind of crime. 

I’m not sure if I want to get married, but I should have the right to, if that’s what I chose. The best thing for me about this decision is the acceptance from the non-LGBT community. Not getting married but being able to say girlfriend or wife with normalcy and less fear of being judged. 


Marriage Equality

26 Jun

Same sex marriage is now legal across all 50 states. SF Pride is going to be one BIG party!!!!! 


BPD Extreme Emotions

25 Jun

I sort of thought I had my emotions more controlled than it turns out I do.  During periods of depression my moods only fluctuate from extremely depressed to apathetic depression.  After my long depressive episode last year I felt a couple months of true stability.  Then life started happening and my emotions got all over the place again.  I could give you an exact reason why for each and every change though they may have seemed minor to anybody else.

The emotional episodes in the last week have been the extremest in at least 2 years maybe more.  Also I haven’t been able to assign each episode to a specific trigger.  Yesterday with my case manager we just talked about grief and change; well mostly I cried and she mentioned those things.  Also, when I get on these rolls all the changes that are up and coming hit me at once, but at the same time I’d say they’re always looming so I wouldn’t call it a trigger.  Anyways, I’m still confused as to what is setting these off.

I had an appointment with the therapist today, she seemed more personable which was odd for me.  She’s usually very ‘blank slate.’  We talked about trying to be in wise mind with all these changes that are coming up and the growth I want.  Maybe to write them down so when I get those episodes I can look at it, though I’ll probably be too irrational and emotional.  But at least it’s a suggestion.  I’ll have to look at my other emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills.

As with BPD, I’m flying high today and nothing is wrong with the world other than my eyes still burning from all the crying yesterday.

Coming To The Acceptance Phase

24 Jun

I needed to read this today.

A Life Of Mental Illness


My mental health has been quite stable for several months.  I’ve probably come to a point that after 15 years with a diagnosis I know my triggers and problem areas well enough I can avoid these without even thinking about it.  I’ve put in enough practice now I have carved out enough of a niche that I don’t really miss things I would have missed five to ten years ago.  I have now come to accept that I don’t have to be defined by a career or lack of in my case.  In my case a career never really launched but it wasn’t from a lack of trying.  In my twenties I had read about those who had schizophrenia, bi-polar, autism spectrum, etc. that went on to have great careers and families.  I thought ‘if they can do it, why not me?’  So I tried various job fields but never…

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Quick check in

24 Jun

The last 24 hours have been hell.  I’m not too sure why.  I get massively triggered, start crying, get suicidal, etc… and it just spirals.  What doesn’t help matters is I forgot both my 5pm and night pills last night.  Just got out of counseling session where I cried for an hour and a half.  So exhausted, but hopefully won’t have another breakdown/meltdown till after Pride.  Had to put my case manager in her place a couple times, anyone who knows me in real life knows I’m not one to put p-eople in their place just not in my personality… it was just that bad.  I guess I get these periods where I grieve everything at once, more on that later.  I’m exhausted and dehydrated.

This BPD impulsive urges are killing me

24 Jun

Every since I got on mood stabilizers for my bipolar my impulsiveness has really went down.  However, when I get in BPD triggered states the action urges are still there.  They were real bad today, where I was considering hospitalization which would mean missing sf pride and the mexico trip.  Don’t care so much about the mexico trip and in the moments I wasn’t caring about pride either.  Been having crying fits since last night.  I just want someone to make it go away, but I know that isn’t anyone else’s responsibility.

Lately the episodes have been revolving around relationships, mostly 20 something’s friend but also my sister.  I often feel like the only reason I stay alive is for other people and then when I get it in my head that they’ll be okay without me I get intensely suicidal and also want to shut down all relationships.  I have these unrealistic standards and I even know they are unrealistic but they won’t go.  I’ve been trying to lose some weight so going on walks with my sister, it seems if I don’t text her she never takes the initiative, I’m just not important.  I want to cause a scene or test her or act how I really feel to get her to care and do something for me but I know that’s not right.  20 something’s friend just started his extra class of summer school so he’ll be even busier for the next couple weeks.  I’ll be gone two of them so that should help.  I also know next semester he’ll be super busy with school.  Of course the BPD wants me to just end the relationship now so it’s on my terms and is very worried about not having support or someone to have fun with.  Everything was just acting up last night/this morning.  Not being in a relationship, my case manager mentioning the only one really responsible for your feelings is a partner or parent.  I joked about wanting to get in a relationship just for that then, but I wouldn’t do that to someone.  I just see myself getting older and older and continuing to go nowhere.  Mom was talking about paying rent and moving out with a younger person from group.  I was considering it during the time, even bringing it up to the girl- but I’m so low now I don’t think I could handle living alone.  They say I’m getting better but not sure if I’m better enough for that.  It would make dating a lot easier though.  Also me and 20 something’s friend are a one best friend kind of person- it seems he has no problem dropping that friendship and moving on to another when circumstances change.  I don’t.  I wonder how long it will take before I get another friend, it’s so hard for me.  I’m just really sad today and lonely.

24 Jun

I stayed in bed most of yesterday after about 2 or so. I lost it again and I have yet to find it. They’re telling me not to ask for help, everything is so confusing. First get help then leave people alone. Because of crashing out last night I didn’t take those pills, probably not helping.  Today has been a trance but in the bath tub instead of bed. I can’t explain the utter loneliness I feel. But that’s how it’s supposed to be. Only can count on yourself and if yourself is crazy, well you’re fucked. I wonder why I keep trying, keep getting “better ” to be ripped away. I may disappear for awhile it only feels appropriate. 

24 Jun

The sadness is overwhelming and I feel I have no where to turn. The emptiness and loneliness. Everything’s pushing towards suicide right now, they’d all understand or at least get over it. My life is falling apart why wait till the final pieces unravel. But I have to pretend it’s all okay. Got to keep my secrets tight. With all my issues. That means not letting anyone in, an empty lonely life. No life.